Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Mickey's

"None for me, thanks!"

Ahhh Mickey’s.  Thought I’d kick this section off right with “fine malt liquor” (their words not mine, but they might as well be.)  Some of you crackers might scoff and look down your nose at this fine beverage, but when you get done hanging out with Rich Uncle Pennybags* you might want to treat yourself with this delicious malt beverage.

Mickey’s has a bee on every bottle, but don’t worry Mickey’s is NOT bee flavored.  It actually has a fizzy sweet flavor.  It smells like honey, which would explain the bee I guess.  It doesn’t have the usual poo aftertaste you get with most malt liquors, and it doesn’t feel like you’re drinking a headache in a bottle.  As I sip the Mickey’s I think of getting pleasantly drunk not taking a nasty shit tomorrow, which is more than I can say about a lot of the beers I intend to review.  My wife went so far as to call Mickey’s “surprisingly good.”  She usually won’t even drink domestic beer, so that should give you some idea of how good it actually is.

A Mickey's Grenade

Mickey’s is sold in cans of every size, or more commonly in a 40 oz. bottle or six pack of twelve oz. “grenade” bottles.  For this column I got myself a six pack of “grenades,” which I tend to prefer.  It is however socially acceptable to drink Mickey’s out of an ice-cold-fotie.  It may cost 80 cents more than a King Cobra and a $1.20 more than Steel Reserve but a 40 of Mickey’s is easily $3 better than those other malt liquors, and it’s Union made.  Put that in your pipes and smoke it you rich assholes.

Best CGA graphics ever

Mickey’s seems to have some sort of Irish motif, which I don’t really get.  I guess the bottle is green, but how often do you see Irish guys drinking malt liq-  Wait a minute.  I’m Irish and I like Mickey’s, but why?  It isn’t just the taste, $3 better though it may be; Mickey’s has a lot of the intangibles. Under the cap for instance they have rebus puzzles like on  Classic Concentration.  These puzzles get harder the more Mickey’s you drink, which is just part of the fun.

Mickey’s also has a wide mouth, which I like for drinking quickly and I think it goes down better.  The wide mouth also makes it a lot easier to pee in when you’re done.  The Mickey’s official website seems to acknowledge this “We bet you’re the kind of guy that cruises the internet with one-handed…a mouse in one hand and a Mickey’s grenade in the other.”  How did they know I hate getting up from the computer to pee?  How did they know I like throwing baseball-sized bottles of urine and watching them explode?

Super-Patriot Danny gets ready to grenade some jerks

 It can't be too much of a coincidence, after all everyone’s peed in a Mickey’s bottle at one time or another and whipped it at some frat guys from a moving vehicle.  The disturbing thing is that Mickey’s seems to market themselves directly to me.  Their website has a picture of a sexy lady in a bikini and asks, “shouldn’t you be surfing the waves instead of the web?”  I have never surfed in my life, but I’ve seen Point Break a lot and I think I think I want to surf.  How did Mickey’s know what I think I want to do?

Grenaded Nazi.  Notice: you can't see the actual authentic SS helmet

 I guess that’s not important.  What is important is that Mickey’s tastes awesome is packaged awesome, and it's certainly cheap enough for your dumb ass.  Do yourself a favor and go out and try some.