Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Coors Light

Coors was founded in 1873 by Adolph Coors.  They are now the third largest brewer in the United States, after Miller and Anheuser-Busch.   In 1873 America was largely racist, sexist, homophobic, and anti-union.  Things have changed a lot in America since 1873, and at Coors, well…at least they stopped having Klan rallies on company grounds.  In 1984 William Coors was talking to a group of blacks and said that, if they thought it was “unfair” that their “ancestors were dragged here in chains against their will…I would urge those of you who feel that way to go back to where your ancestors came from, and you will find out that probably the greatest favor that anybody ever did you was to drag your ancestors over here in chains, and I mean it."  Jesus Christ, that’s pretty fucking harsh.  In fairness to Coors, that was all the way back in 1984, and now the can says, “Do something cool. Recycle.”  Progress.

Tap the Rockies with Lindsey Vonn's boobies

Coors is not only America’s most progressive beer company.  They also make the biggest deal out of coldness.  If you go to their website it’s all icy peaks and ski lodges. They also talk a lot about how Coors Light is cold brewed and cold filtered and all their trucks are ice-cold.  I mean I like cold beer, but I don’t see the connection between beer brewed in an igloo and phenomenal taste.  It’d be kind of like if I had an instant coffee factory that I kept at a scalding 212 degrees.  Who cares?  And I got news for you, all lager is cold brewed, that’s what makes it a lager.  The can also has some mountains on it that turn dark blue when the beer is cold enough, which I think is actually kind of nice.  There’s nothing worse than warm beer, except Lo Pan.

Oh shit! It's fucking Lo Pan.

Catherine Bach as Daisy Duke.

Coors and Coors Light used to only be available west of the Mississippi, and were considered a delicacy in the Eastern half of the country.  This was the subject of the 1977 classic Smokey and the Bandit, which is probably my second favorite hillbilly movie, after 2,000 Maniacs.  In the movie Burt Reynolds and Jerry Reed are hired by two Boss Hogg-like brothers to smuggle a truckload of Coors from Texas to Georgia, and hijinks ensue.  The film’s only flaw is that Sally Field’s part should have been played by that chick from The Dukes of Hazzard.  Nowadays, Coors is available everywhere, and no one really cares that much.

Look, I don’t hate Coors Light, but I don’t really like it that much either.  Usually if Coors Light is available something I like better is also available at a cheaper price.  As far as light beers go it’s far from the worst.  It’s certainly better than Miller Lite, but as a general rule I don’t like light beer.  Light beer is like beer flavored Kool-Aid.  It tastes like beer in many ways, but you can tell something is missing.  Light beer compared to beer is like Major League II compared to the original.  When you’re flipping through channels you might get taken off guard for a second then you realize the jokes aren’t that funny, there’s no swearing, and what the hell happened to Wesley Snipes?  Light beer happened to Wesley Snipes (that and tax evasion.) 

Coors Light might not be the best beer in the world, but at least it’s drinkable.  It doesn’t taste like much, but at least it doesn’t taste bad.  And what it lacks in flavor it makes up for in racist right-wing ideology(?).  But my biggest gripe with Coors Lite is those fucking commercials where they take NFL press conferences out of context and have a couple of fucking idiots pretending to ask the coach questions about Coors Light.  They’re not funny and I usually see like ten of them during a typical game, which is ten too many.  Fuck your marketing department Coors Light.

Unless of course, your marketing department made this.