Advice for Teens 3: Dream Warriors (2013)

Stay in school!

I haven’t sat down and read an issue of Rolling Stone in years, but as far as I know they still have celebrities write an open letter to that year’s graduating class.  I thought I'd do the same. The only difference is, I give harsh advice about the real world instead of empty platitudes.  Also I'm not a celebrity.  Check out the last two I did here and here.

Drink coffee

Coffee keeps you awake, and warms you up on a cold morning.  All real adults drink coffee.  When someone says they don’t drink coffee I assume they’re either a fucking baby or a religious weirdo.  It’s not fair, in fact it’s kind of a dick move on my part, but if “society” wants to call me an arsonist just because I start fires I’m just as entitled to my own opinion.

 

More hot coffee

If you can juggle, please juggle

It’s happened at least two or three times in my life that I’ve been talking about juggling and the person I’m talking to says, “I can juggle.”  And then they do.  As someone who can’t juggle I am always very impressed, and perplexed.  If I could juggle I would do it every time I saw three of something, and I’d earn a reputation as “the guy who juggles.”  Why do they keep it a secret?  And why do people that run marathons never shut the fuck up about it? I can picture myself training and finishing a marathon, but juggling?  Forget it.  If you can juggle you owe it to yourself and the world to share your gift.  Same goes for those of you that can ride a unicycle, walk on your hands, or play the drums.

Too fucking cool for words

If you know karate keep it to yourself

Conversely, no one likes a braggart.  If you keep talking about how crazy-good you are at fighting someone is going to take you up on it.  If your hoping that informing others of your martial skills will stop fights before they start you’d do a lot better to tell people you fight dirty.  Lots of dudes are willing to try their luck against a self-proclaimed badass, but no one wants to fight someone that pulls hair and gouges eyes.  Besides, it’s better to surprise your opponent and as Confucious say, “let your fists do the talking.”

A ninja of the American persausion

Those so-called “Nigerian Princes” that send you e-mails are probably just regular black dudes

That being said, you should probably send them some money.  You wouldn’t want word to get around that you’re a racist, would you?  Also, by the law of averages one of those guys has to be telling the truth.

X-Ray Vision > Invisibility

A common hypothetical question is “if you could have one super power what would it be?”  Personally I’d go with invulnerability, but a lot of people say “invisibility,” which is kind of a dead giveaway that you’re a pervert.  Don’t these people realize you can just wait for a girl to fall asleep and take her clothes off?  I’m joking of course, but it’s just as creepy.  You have to turn invisible, get naked, sneak into a girls house and wait for God knows how long to see her naked?  And what if it’s cold outside?  With X-ray vision you can take a discreet peek in broad daylight and no one would be the wiser as long as you carry a book around to hide your boner.  The only answer creepier than invisibility is mind control.

Put on the glasses

Be on time

If there’s one thing punctual people hate it’s people that don’t fucking show up on time.  Don’t give your boss a stupid reason to fire you.  Give them a really good reason and burn the place to the ground.    

"I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!!!"

Let people call you whatever they want

I don’t know how to get cool nicknames like “Pussy Slayer,” “Stone Cold” or “Bo Jackson” but I do know that the best way to end up with something shitty is to flip out when someone calls you “Buttstink.”  Also, if your name is Jonathan and someone calls you John or Johnny don’t correct them for not using your full fucking Christian name.  It’s a bigger faux pas than the coffee thing I mentioned earlier, you look like an asshole, and if you don’t like the name Johnny people might decide you’d like the name Buttstink more, especially if you have a stinky butt.  Also, shower regularly.

Or Stinkbutt as the case may be

Add some sour cream to your nachos

I didn’t try it till I was like 20 and I gotta say I was missing out.  My biggest regret in life is not putting sour cream on my nachos sooner.  Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Bottomshelf Beer: Protips & Helpful Hints

I’ve been drinking pretty regularly since I was 17.  I like to think I’ve learned a thing or two since then; for example I don’t drink Icehouse anymore.  Recently I’ve noticed that the internet was full of something called “lifehacking,” which seems to be a really stupid name for what used to be called “helpful hints.”  Never the one to pass up an internet trend , I present these helpful hints, for the conscientious beer drinker…

Speaking of internet trends, remember the Harlem Shake?  

 Keep a beer koozy in your pocket

If you’re anything like me you’re always ready to drink, but are you prepared?  Keeping a beer koozy in your pocket ensures that no matter what situation you find yourself in, it will take slightly longer for your beer to get warm.  This is a definite bonus if you’re the kind of guy that loudly explains the plot of Roadhouse to people who’ve already seen the movie, but don’t appreciate it on the same level you do. Plus it’s kind of cool to be the only guy in the bar, at the ballgame, or in the unemployment office parking lot who thought to bring a beer koozy.  And it lets ladies know you’re the kind of guy that…keeps a beer koozy in his pocket.  Also carry a condom, because you’re gonna need it,  STUD!

Let alcohol be your anti-drug

Drugs are illegal, and anyway no one likes a hippie.  Anytime you feel tempted or peer-pressured to smoke a “jazz cigarette” just reach for an ice cold LacrosseLager instead.  Some have countered that marijuana unlike alcohol is not physically addictive; well neither is jacking off, but try going one day without peeling one off.  Like masturbation, drinking is harmless fun, which is why you can find positive references to it in the texts of every major religion (every cool one that is.)  As a side note: raves and jam band concerts are pretty much the worst things in the world.  Anything that would make those activities “fun” is fucking wrong.

'Nuff said?

Get super drunk

For centuries men have been using alcohol to lower the inhibitions of the fairer sex.  What I’m advocating is a total role reversal.  Instead of feeding that college freshman shots in tandem, drink them yourself!  I find that I am more confident and boisterous after I’ve “had a few.”  Maybe you can parlay that into a little sumthin’ sumthin’ (I never did.)  Even if you don’t get laid, at least you’ll be drunk and you probably won’t give a shit, or you’ll end up crying in your beer.  Hilarious!

I don't know if this guy is gonna get laid or not, but I can pretty much guarantee he doesn't care one way or the other

Your cellphone is a tool

Waiting in line for the bathroom is for ladies, so if I have to take a piss I go outside.  Unfortunately, pissing outside is socially unacceptable and can easily lead to a drunk and disorderly ticket.  I get around these problems by pretending to make a call on my cell phone.  Instead of focusing on the fact that you definitely didn’t wash your hands after you took a piss, people assume you were courteous enough to make your phone call outside.  Also, if you learn to take your dick out and piss hands free, you can really sell the talking on a cell phone pantomime and most pedestrians and cops will be none the wiser.

"Honestly officer, I was talking on my cellphone...wait a minute.  Aren't you Christopher Guest?"

“I never turn down a shot”

That simple phrase is your ticket to free drinks.  If you let people know early and often that you “never turn down a shot” they will be much more inclined to buy them for you.  Be warned: this tactic may not cost a lot of money, but you will definitely pay.  Oftentimes, the free shots your so-called friends buy you will be disgusting (e.g. prairie fire, cement mixers, or malort) or embarrassing (e.g. blowjob shots.)  Worse still they will often buy you these shots when you’re already on the verge of throwing up or at least on the verge of not knowing that you’ll look like a total poof if you take a whipped crème shot off the bar using only your lips.

Body shot: NEVER INCLUDED!

Drink a beer in the shower

We can all agree that drinking beer in a hot tub is the bee’s knees.  Unfortunately, I don’t own a hot tub and

Or take a beer shower

most hot tubs available to the public have pretty specific rules pertaining to the consumption of alcohol and wearing a fucking bathing suit like it’s the 1890’s or something.  So I do the next best thing: shower beer.  It’s relaxing and refreshing.  Even if you do own a hot tub you probably don’t want to pee in it, which you’ll certainly want to do after drinking three or four beers.  In the shower there are two types of people: people that pee in the shower and people that lie about peeing in the shower.  You’re secret is safe with me!

Stay cool everybody. 

A smart person clearly following my advice

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Olde English 800 Video

Here's the new video version, the text version can be found here.

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Keystone Ice

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Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Budweiser Black Crown

If you don't feel like reading this check out the video version here.

A scene from the commercial for the commercial.  Could be a lot worse.

Budweiser Black Crown officially launched during the Super Bowl, and it’s about fucking time.  Almost a month prior to the Super Bowl commercial they started showing commercials for the commercial to build anticipation for the new beer commercial.  Well, I for one was certainly excited.  Not only was Budweiser gifting me a new beer to review, but I knew I’d be treated to a multi-million dollar advertising campaign; the likes of which we hadn’t seen since Budweiser released Bud Light Platinum last year at the Super Bowl.  I was not disappointed in that regard.  You can just tell everything right down to the color, placement, font, and shape of the label has been thought of, considered, planned out, vetted, voted on and redesigned down to the smallest detail.

As perfect as the hair of a werewolf drinking a pina colada  at  Trader Vic's

Metal chick

All that attention to detail makes the name Black Crown seem even weirder than it is.  What gives?  It sounds less like a new version of Budweiser and more like a shitty High School Heavy Metal band.  Ya know, the kind that plays slightly off tempo Megadeth and Metallica covers, but don’t call them a coverband or they’ll play some of their godawful original songs?   The label offers some explanation:

“We challenged our 12 Budweiser Brewmasters to create a new masterpiece. Six unique beers were crafted and sampled… One was chosen.  This amber lager’s toasted caramel, malt notes, and smooth finish earned it the Black Crown.  Now it’s been stolen.  You and your companions must embark on a quest to the Cave of Skulls to get it back.”

I think that sounds more like the plot to a Dungeons and Dragons Campaign Module than the story of a beer.  To be fair, I added that last part about the quest to the Cave of Skulls, but I think it works especially because the King of Beers thing is already Budweiser canon.    

Black Crown is fucking aces.  It has a rich full flavor, with a touch of the bitterness you get with things like hops, barley, and other “real” ingredients that are typically in short supply when it comes to bottomshelf beer.  I could actually taste Ye Olde toasted caramel, malt notes and all that other shit the label talked about.  I actually felt compelled to pour it into a glass.  It still has a Budweiser aftertaste, and when it hits you’re like, “Oh right, Budweiser.”  But it’s good.  I was even going to go so far as to say that a beer snob on a budget should give Black Crown a taste, but then I pictured some douche in a scarf saying, “you really think this tastes good?”  So instead I’ll just say go fuck yourself you smug asshole.  

If it's not cold and you're not Doctor Who there's no reason to wear a scarf

Budweiser Black Crown gets my seal of approval.  Buy some today; because there’s no telling if Black Crown will take its rightful place amongst the Kings of Beers, or be discarded to the ash heap of history along with the likes of Budweiser American Ale, Bud Dry, Bud Extra, Bud Ice Light, Bud the Pretender and Bud the Usurper.  I made the last two up but I think they tie in with the whole sword and sorcery thing we established in the second paragraph.  Also, if anyone at Budweiser wants to look at my spec script “The Cave of Skulls” don’t hesitate to get in touch. 

If this is your kind of thing, get ready to read the greatest script of all time.

UPDATE 2-4-2013
New video version:

Bottomshel Beer: Big Flats 1901 VIDEO

New video to go along with the print version of my Big Flats 1901 Review!

Favorite Video Games: Tecmo Bowl (NES) 1989

No one every picks coach

As a kid I remember going to my friend’s house and getting my ass kicked in Tecmo Bowl every single time I played.  I’d be lying if I said that the game left a positive impression on me at the time.  I acquired my own copy of the game pretty late in the life of the NES, when my cousins realized that I was the only person they knew that still played Nintendo, and gave me all the games they couldn’t sell for money.  Unfortunately, for me it was around that time that time that my Nintendo stopped playing games no matter what kind of “tap the system/hold the reset button/blow it out” ritual was performed.  Fast forward to last Christmas: my wife bought me a brand new Nintendo and since then I’ve been playing Tecmo Bowl, constantly.

Tecmo Bowl (NES) 1989

Everyone agreed you had to blow the cartridges out, but if that didn't work the only thing we agreed on was that whatever the other kids did was laughably stupid.  One time a kid spit in my Nintendo.    

"The Denver _____"

At the time Tecmo Bowl was released it was pretty much common practice for sports games to have fake teams and fake rosters, due to the high cost of acquiring a license from one of the major sports leagues. Tecmo Bowl was one of the first sports video games that let you play as actual players.  A game like Mike Tyson’s Punchout might come out, but all of the characters were ridiculous racial stereotypes and not real people (Yes, I’m including Mike Tyson.)  Tecmo got around this problem by reaching an agreement with the NFLPA (the players association.)  Consequently, instead of the Chicago Bears there’s the Chicago Penguins Wearing a Crown(?)  At least we weren’t the Indianapolis Narwhals, or the Denver Androgynous Elves With a Horn(?)

Narwhals are the unicorns of the sea.  I usually say that out loud and laugh over and over again evereytime I go to The Field Museum.

HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT!...

As a kid or an adult none of that shit matters.  What matters is that the team plays in Chicago, and it features the likes of Dan “Danimal” Hampton, “Samurai” Mike Singletary, William “the Refrigerator” Perry, “Momma’s Boy” Otis Wilson, Richard Dent, Jim “the Punky QB” McMahon, and Walter “Fucking” Payton (Fucking was not Walter Payton’s nickname, but I added it because he’s my favorite fucking player of all time.)  As a diehard Bears fan it’s pretty cool not just to play as the Chicago Bears, but to play a videogame from my childhood (1983-2001) in which the Chicago Bears don’t totally suck.  By the time Tecmo Super Bowl was released two years later Walter Payton was retired along with the most of the legendary ’85 defense.

I'd like to play football with her, not for sexy reasons, but because she's a girl and I can probably kick her ass.

Strategy: drink them all when your opponent takes a leak

I don’t want to go too far down that road though.  As cool as Da Bears are Tecmo Bowl the 49ers and Giants are arguably better.  What sets Tecmo Bowl apart from say, Madden 2007 is the chess match that develops.  There are only four plays each team can run, and if you pick the same play as the offense you blitz them for a loss.  If you cover their receiver and the QB throws to him you pick him off.  Dead simple.  The game focuses more on outthinking your opponent and less on being able to hit 13 buttons in the correct sequence when you try to tackle their wide receiver.  There’s still a great deal of skill involved, but there’s a lot less random elements than modern football videogames.  Fumbles, injuries, and dropped passes might be more realistic, but they add an element of uncertainty to a perfectly called play.  Besides, who’d want to play whole 16 game season as the 49ers after Jerry Rice had a season ending injury?  In Tecmo Bowl you might be better at the game, or you might have a better team, but you won’t win on a roll of the dice. 

I'm like Bobby Fisher, but not a weirdo.

I kicked this post off mentioning that as a kid I lost every game I played.  It’s not just that I was bad at video games (I was,) but I didn’t understand the nuances and strategy involved in the game (e.g. ALWAYS cover Jerry Rice.)  Now that I do, the game gets better every time I play.  I can’t recommend this game enough. If you don’t have a wife as cool as mine, or you just can’t shell out the dough, it’s pretty easy to download a ROM of the game and a Nintendo emulator (I use Nestopia) to play the game on your laptop or whatever. 

I was gonna say "I wanna Bear Down on her," but that sounds like assault.  Maybe we could just like get some coffee  and have a respectful conversation?

The Green Bay Packers aren’t featured in Tecmo Bowl.  Not only do all true Americans (and by extension God) hate the Pack, it would seem that the Japanese do as well.  That, or maybe Tecmo only included the 12 best/most popular of the 28 teams that existed at the time, a list which did not include the hated Green Bay Packers. 

As the title would imply, Tecmobowl vs. R.B.I. is a great website for tips, and strategies for both Tecmo Bowl and R.B.I. Baseball.

Tecmobowl.org tends to focus on Tecmo Super Bowl, but the site still features some information on the original; not to mention the ROMs and emulators you’ll need to play the game on your PC.

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Icehouse Edge

Mila Kunis knows, on the edge it's a helluva drop

The other day I saw Icehouse Edge as I was leaving the liquor store.  I know I often start these beer reviews bitching and kvetching like C-3PO on Tatooine, “Woe is me.  This beer looks disgusting.  Fuck my life.  etc.”  But when I saw Icehouse Edge at the liquor store I was like, “why the hell not!”  I don’t like Icehouse, but fuck it.  Yeah, a new high gravity version with a stupid name probably won’t be much better, but it couldn’t be much worse.  If nothing else it will get me drunk quicker, which is the only reason to drink Icehouse in the first place.  On that note: challenge gladly accepted Icehouse Edge.  I relish this opportunity.  Now let’s get it on like Donkey Kong!

Batman, getting it on like Donkey Kong

Personally I can’t hear someone say, “the edge” without thinking of U2’s legendary guitarist that…blah blah blah BWAHAHA!  Just kidding, U2 sucks, and they’ve sucked for long enough now that their present suckiness completely overshadows any of their previous accomplishments.    On the other side of the coin, the good side if you will, Stiff Little Fingers sang about "running at the edge of their world" and The Effigies asked “Where do we go once we’ve seen the edge?”  Not to mention David Lee Roth’s brilliant “The Edge” soliloquy in Van Halen’s 1978 classic “Ain’t Talkin’ ‘bout Love.”   It would seem that musicians of all stripes, share an obsession with “the edge,” which begs the question: is Icehouse Edge awesome like a Chicago based hardcore band, or douchey and nauseating like Aerosmith’s 1992 crapptastic single “Livin’ on the Edge?” 

Rather than disgusting all of you with a picture of Steven Tyler and his  "old lady face."  Here's his much better looking daughter.

To answer that question, I’ll start by saying that I typically take pains to avoid drinking Icehouse.  Consequently, I don’t think I’ve touched the stuff since I wrote my review about a year ago.  It’s been a while, but I think Icehouse Edge tastes almost exactly like regular Icehouse.  As a beer, even an ice beer, the flavor of Icehouse is pretty subpar, but as a high gravity lager it’s aces.  8%ABV is a different animal and has to be judged against its 8% peers, otherwise it’s like a cat in a dog show: not winning awards and pooping in a box.  I personally prefer regular beer to high gravity lager the same way I prefer dogs to cats/raccoons (same animal) but comparing the two is unfair to all parties.  Remember Heathcliff?  It was pretty good for a terrible show, but it was no Downton Abbey.

Here's the really hot daughter from Downton Abbey dressed as slave Leia 

To carry the metaphor just a little bit further, in the genus high gravity, the species Icehouse Edge is one of the better ones, because it doesn’t have a harsh chemical taste or shit-mouth aftertaste, at least not anymore than you’d find in regular Icehouse.  A lot of high gravity lagers taste like someone’s topped them off with w a little vodka, but I don’t really taste any extra alcohol in Icehouse Edge.  Of course, I don’t taste alcohol in straight whiskey, so take that how you will.  In a bottomshelf genus dominated by beers you have to pinch your nose and chug just to get drunk Icehouse Edge stands out as being more palatable than the rest.

Icehouse Edge threw the gauntlet and I rose to the challenge.  It was pretty good for a high gravity lager, and I’d say overall it was a pretty positive experience.  Except that I got that fucking Aerosmith song stuck in my head.  I only heard that song like a million fucking times between 1992 and 1995 and about a 100,000 times since then, so I’m going to drown it out with a little beer, and the far superior Weird Al Yankovic parody “Livin’ in the Fridge.”

Speaking of The Fridge...