Advice for Teens: Furious 5

For several years now I've been writing an open letter to the graduating class of High School Seniors.  This year is no different.  The advice is universal and carries over from year to year.  For previous installments look here, here, here and here.

Some Guys Have a Crooked Penis

This is perfectly natural… amongst circus freaks.  It is unknown whether their penises are crooked because they are cursed by God for being in league with the devil or if owners of said penises are in league with the devil because they were cursed by God with a crooked dong. Avoid at all costs.

 

"One of us! One of us!"

Take Nude Selfies

Most adults will tell you not to do this.  They’re just jealous.  There’s, a very good chance you’ve peaked physically, so you might as well document that for posterity.  The Freshmen 15 is very real.  Which leads directly to my next point… 

 

If you're scared, just keep your face out of the picture and it won't follow you around for the rest of your life.

Start Working Out

Maybe you have a high metabolism, or you’re really active.  Maybe you just haven’t started drinking beer yet, but that shit’s over.  Welcome to the age where you’re going to have to start taking care of yourself if you don’t want to look like a sad sack of shit.  Beyond basic vanity, you’ll also be in better health.

A little summthin' for the ladies

Don’t Shove Gummie Bears Up Your Ass

It seems obvious, but I just saw a clickbaity ad that seemed to imply you teens were doing the contrary.  I didn’t click the ad, so maybe there’s some other gross thing I “won’t believe what teenagers are doing with gummie bears.”  Whatever it is you should probably stop doing it for both our sakes.

 

This however is highly acceptable

Stop Taking Shitty Cellphone Videos of Bands

Act like you’ve been to a concert before.  It makes you look like a fucking dork.  It blocks the view of the people standing behind you, which is fucking rude.  Also consider this: why not watch the concert that is literally happening right in front of you instead of your damn cellphone screen you look at all day everyday.  Furthermore, no one’s ever clicked on a shitty cellphone video on youtube and thought, “Good.”  No, everyone’s immediate reaction is, “Oh, this sucks.  It looks like shit.  I’m going to watch something else.”

Stop Wearing Bookbags to Concerts

While we’re on the subject, lose the backpack, nerd.  You’re at a rock show, not school.  If you must wear a backpack (sigh,) stay near the back so you don’t get in anyone’s way.  There s literally nothing worse than having some idiot  at a very crowded show bumping into you with their stupid bookbag, except AIDS (AIDS unlike a bookbag bump is deadly, making it marginally worse.) 

Just look at this fucking asshole

Advice for Teens 4: Advice in Space!

If schoolgirls dressed like this I would still be in High School

Every year Rollingstone used to ask celebrities their advice for that year’s graduating class.  I don’t know if they still do, but I’ve been doing this for the last three years and I thought I’d keep up on the tradition. 

Keep in Touch

K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider

Invariably, every year of high school someone I wasn’t very good friends with would write their phone number in my yearbook followed by a note to “K.I.T” (keep in touch.)  I always thought it would have been funny to call them up a couple weeks later and awkwardly check in, just ring them up and tell them that my summer job bagging groceries was going “swimmingly.”  Assuming we didn’t have much to talk about I would have then repeated the process every couple weeks for the rest of the summer.  Basically, I’m saying you should do what I never did.  I will admit it would probably be a lot funnier if I did it now, 13 years later, “Hi Mrs. Johanson, is Stacy there?  Who am I?  This is Danny from sophomore English.  I’m calling because Stacy asked me, nay, COMMANDED me to keep in touch.  I’m kind of surprised she didn’t tell you- Oh...she’s dead?”  

Start smoking

It’s really hard to quit once you start, and cigarettes are really fucking bad for you. Under normal circumstances I would never recommend anyone start, but lots of people are miserable their whole lives.  More to the point lots of people seem strangely okay with their constant state of unending Hell on Earth.  If that describes you, and if you're okay with that, you might want to consider smoking three packs a day and having a grabber at the age of 50.  Aside from the gift of a slow suicide, smoking also makes you feel pretty good.  So there’s that.

 

Remember this guy?  If you just graduated high school you don't.  Joe Camel's was axed in 1997, about a year after the average high school senior was born.  Fuck I'm old. 

Breakup

If a relationship sucks, cash your chips and go home; maybe powerwatch Doctor Who or Battlestar Galactica?  I don’t know, just get the hell out of there.  It won’t get better.  If the person you’re with is great except for one giant flaw you can’t get past I guarantee you there is someone else out there who’s just as great, but isn’t also a compulsive liar, pyromaniac, teenage-vampire, or what have you.  Even if the flaw isn’t that big a deal or even if you're pretty positive it's just a figment of your imagination I’d still suggest you cut and run.  There’s a 50% chance you’re actually the crazy one.  Why take someone else down with you? 

 

Twilight

Van Halen & Guns N’ Roses are NOT Hair Bands

I guess this isn't really advice.  But if they're not teaching this kind of thing in school, or Rollinstone for that matter (ostensibly a Rock n Roll magazine) you should probably be learning it somewhere. For the record I actually likes some hair bands, but it’s important to set the record straight.  It’s bad enough that Twisted Sister and Def Leppard both fall under the broad "hair metal" umbrella, but seeing Van Halen and GNR lumped in with the likes of Winger is not something I can abide.  First of all, Van Halen formed in 1972 about a decade before hair metal even existed.  Admittedly, the Van Hagar era totally sucked, hard.  Like embarrassingly hard.  For that reason I can see why someone would try to put Van Halen in the hair metal camp.  They’d certainly be wrong to argue that, but it’s an almost understandable mistake; on the other hand the notion that Guns N’ Fucking Roses is a hairband is absolutely ludicrous.  Hairbands wrote about things like “girls, girls, girls,” “cherry pie,” or imploring a girl to “pour some sugar” on you.  GNR wrote songs about bum wine and heroin.  Appetite for Destruction is not only one of the best albums ever recorded, it was a very deliberate reaction against hairmetal about 4 years before Nirvana’s brand of depressing punk went mainstream. 

One more quick primer on the 80's: This is Stryper. They were a Christian metal band that sold MILLIONS of albums.  They were so popular in fact, that the LA Raiders covered one of their songs in an ill-fated Super Bowl Shuffle ripoff.  Even if you've heard of them before you probably forgot they existed.   

Advice for Teens 3: Dream Warriors (2013)

Stay in school!

I haven’t sat down and read an issue of Rolling Stone in years, but as far as I know they still have celebrities write an open letter to that year’s graduating class.  I thought I'd do the same. The only difference is, I give harsh advice about the real world instead of empty platitudes.  Also I'm not a celebrity.  Check out the last two I did here and here.

Drink coffee

Coffee keeps you awake, and warms you up on a cold morning.  All real adults drink coffee.  When someone says they don’t drink coffee I assume they’re either a fucking baby or a religious weirdo.  It’s not fair, in fact it’s kind of a dick move on my part, but if “society” wants to call me an arsonist just because I start fires I’m just as entitled to my own opinion.

 

More hot coffee

If you can juggle, please juggle

It’s happened at least two or three times in my life that I’ve been talking about juggling and the person I’m talking to says, “I can juggle.”  And then they do.  As someone who can’t juggle I am always very impressed, and perplexed.  If I could juggle I would do it every time I saw three of something, and I’d earn a reputation as “the guy who juggles.”  Why do they keep it a secret?  And why do people that run marathons never shut the fuck up about it? I can picture myself training and finishing a marathon, but juggling?  Forget it.  If you can juggle you owe it to yourself and the world to share your gift.  Same goes for those of you that can ride a unicycle, walk on your hands, or play the drums.

Too fucking cool for words

If you know karate keep it to yourself

Conversely, no one likes a braggart.  If you keep talking about how crazy-good you are at fighting someone is going to take you up on it.  If your hoping that informing others of your martial skills will stop fights before they start you’d do a lot better to tell people you fight dirty.  Lots of dudes are willing to try their luck against a self-proclaimed badass, but no one wants to fight someone that pulls hair and gouges eyes.  Besides, it’s better to surprise your opponent and as Confucious say, “let your fists do the talking.”

A ninja of the American persausion

Those so-called “Nigerian Princes” that send you e-mails are probably just regular black dudes

That being said, you should probably send them some money.  You wouldn’t want word to get around that you’re a racist, would you?  Also, by the law of averages one of those guys has to be telling the truth.

X-Ray Vision > Invisibility

A common hypothetical question is “if you could have one super power what would it be?”  Personally I’d go with invulnerability, but a lot of people say “invisibility,” which is kind of a dead giveaway that you’re a pervert.  Don’t these people realize you can just wait for a girl to fall asleep and take her clothes off?  I’m joking of course, but it’s just as creepy.  You have to turn invisible, get naked, sneak into a girls house and wait for God knows how long to see her naked?  And what if it’s cold outside?  With X-ray vision you can take a discreet peek in broad daylight and no one would be the wiser as long as you carry a book around to hide your boner.  The only answer creepier than invisibility is mind control.

Put on the glasses

Be on time

If there’s one thing punctual people hate it’s people that don’t fucking show up on time.  Don’t give your boss a stupid reason to fire you.  Give them a really good reason and burn the place to the ground.    

"I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!!!"

Let people call you whatever they want

I don’t know how to get cool nicknames like “Pussy Slayer,” “Stone Cold” or “Bo Jackson” but I do know that the best way to end up with something shitty is to flip out when someone calls you “Buttstink.”  Also, if your name is Jonathan and someone calls you John or Johnny don’t correct them for not using your full fucking Christian name.  It’s a bigger faux pas than the coffee thing I mentioned earlier, you look like an asshole, and if you don’t like the name Johnny people might decide you’d like the name Buttstink more, especially if you have a stinky butt.  Also, shower regularly.

Or Stinkbutt as the case may be

Add some sour cream to your nachos

I didn’t try it till I was like 20 and I gotta say I was missing out.  My biggest regret in life is not putting sour cream on my nachos sooner.  Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Bottomshelf Beer: Protips & Helpful Hints

I’ve been drinking pretty regularly since I was 17.  I like to think I’ve learned a thing or two since then; for example I don’t drink Icehouse anymore.  Recently I’ve noticed that the internet was full of something called “lifehacking,” which seems to be a really stupid name for what used to be called “helpful hints.”  Never the one to pass up an internet trend , I present these helpful hints, for the conscientious beer drinker…

Speaking of internet trends, remember the Harlem Shake?  

 Keep a beer koozy in your pocket

If you’re anything like me you’re always ready to drink, but are you prepared?  Keeping a beer koozy in your pocket ensures that no matter what situation you find yourself in, it will take slightly longer for your beer to get warm.  This is a definite bonus if you’re the kind of guy that loudly explains the plot of Roadhouse to people who’ve already seen the movie, but don’t appreciate it on the same level you do. Plus it’s kind of cool to be the only guy in the bar, at the ballgame, or in the unemployment office parking lot who thought to bring a beer koozy.  And it lets ladies know you’re the kind of guy that…keeps a beer koozy in his pocket.  Also carry a condom, because you’re gonna need it,  STUD!

Let alcohol be your anti-drug

Drugs are illegal, and anyway no one likes a hippie.  Anytime you feel tempted or peer-pressured to smoke a “jazz cigarette” just reach for an ice cold LacrosseLager instead.  Some have countered that marijuana unlike alcohol is not physically addictive; well neither is jacking off, but try going one day without peeling one off.  Like masturbation, drinking is harmless fun, which is why you can find positive references to it in the texts of every major religion (every cool one that is.)  As a side note: raves and jam band concerts are pretty much the worst things in the world.  Anything that would make those activities “fun” is fucking wrong.

'Nuff said?

Get super drunk

For centuries men have been using alcohol to lower the inhibitions of the fairer sex.  What I’m advocating is a total role reversal.  Instead of feeding that college freshman shots in tandem, drink them yourself!  I find that I am more confident and boisterous after I’ve “had a few.”  Maybe you can parlay that into a little sumthin’ sumthin’ (I never did.)  Even if you don’t get laid, at least you’ll be drunk and you probably won’t give a shit, or you’ll end up crying in your beer.  Hilarious!

I don't know if this guy is gonna get laid or not, but I can pretty much guarantee he doesn't care one way or the other

Your cellphone is a tool

Waiting in line for the bathroom is for ladies, so if I have to take a piss I go outside.  Unfortunately, pissing outside is socially unacceptable and can easily lead to a drunk and disorderly ticket.  I get around these problems by pretending to make a call on my cell phone.  Instead of focusing on the fact that you definitely didn’t wash your hands after you took a piss, people assume you were courteous enough to make your phone call outside.  Also, if you learn to take your dick out and piss hands free, you can really sell the talking on a cell phone pantomime and most pedestrians and cops will be none the wiser.

"Honestly officer, I was talking on my cellphone...wait a minute.  Aren't you Christopher Guest?"

“I never turn down a shot”

That simple phrase is your ticket to free drinks.  If you let people know early and often that you “never turn down a shot” they will be much more inclined to buy them for you.  Be warned: this tactic may not cost a lot of money, but you will definitely pay.  Oftentimes, the free shots your so-called friends buy you will be disgusting (e.g. prairie fire, cement mixers, or malort) or embarrassing (e.g. blowjob shots.)  Worse still they will often buy you these shots when you’re already on the verge of throwing up or at least on the verge of not knowing that you’ll look like a total poof if you take a whipped crème shot off the bar using only your lips.

Body shot: NEVER INCLUDED!

Drink a beer in the shower

We can all agree that drinking beer in a hot tub is the bee’s knees.  Unfortunately, I don’t own a hot tub and

Or take a beer shower

most hot tubs available to the public have pretty specific rules pertaining to the consumption of alcohol and wearing a fucking bathing suit like it’s the 1890’s or something.  So I do the next best thing: shower beer.  It’s relaxing and refreshing.  Even if you do own a hot tub you probably don’t want to pee in it, which you’ll certainly want to do after drinking three or four beers.  In the shower there are two types of people: people that pee in the shower and people that lie about peeing in the shower.  You’re secret is safe with me!

Stay cool everybody. 

A smart person clearly following my advice

My Advice for Teens is 2 Fast 2 Furious

Best high school movie documentary ever

Every year Rolling Stone asks rock stars and other idiots what advice they have for that year’s graduating seniors.  I did one of these last year, and since it’s around graduation time again I thought I’d impart some more pearls of wisdom.  If you’re older or younger than a high school senior you still might find some wisdom in the words of a man that drinks a case of beer every week.  I assure you I'm at least as smart as what passes for a celebrity these days

Kim Kardashian: millionaire; role model; porn star

No one likes a brooding loner:  It’s easy to confuse dark and weird for deep.  I certainly did when I was at my teen angstiest.  Worse still, I thought it will make me seem mysterious and cool.  Nothing could be further from the truth; acting like a glum weirdo makes you seem as such.  Part of the problem is people like Jim Morrison.  By all accounts Jim Morrison was a pretentious drunk that wrote bad poetry, and yet 40 odd years after his death he’s still considered a sex symbol.  I don’t deny that his dark persona contributes to his lasting appeal, but Jim Morrison was also: A.) Rich B.) Famous and C.) Strikingly handsome.  Unless you got one of the three, or really just the last one I’d leave the leather pants at home.

As a point of contrast, everyone likes decidedly non-dour Bill Murray.

Say that you killed two people in self defense:  I don’t care if it’s a first date or a job interview.  There is nothing in the world cooler than killing someone in self defense, except killing two people.  Killing someone and being acquitted by the laws of God and man says that you are a badass but also chivalrous; a man of principle that is not to be trifled with.  Don’t make up an elaborate story.  In fact, the less said the better.  When pressed for details say “I just did what anyone would do” or “all I’m going to say is, I was raised to believe that a man shouldn’t hit a woman.”  Let their imagination do the work.  If you have to elaborate any more than that make sure you say that the guys you killed were white or most people get really uncomfortable.

Vigilantism is the only way to recover from the faux pas of bringing Cybill Sheperd to a porno theater

People don’t change:  If you take nothing else from this blog post take this one to heart.  The reason they make movies about people changing is because it doesn’t fucking happen.  I’ve seen people ruin their lives waiting for someone to change.  Like Cube said, “a bitch is a bitch.”  If a person is an asshole or a lying cunt there is close to a 100% that they’ll stay that way.  Avoid at all costs.  Even if the person does get help, in my experience a drunken asshole is usually still an asshole when they’re sober.  Don’t get me wrong; you can change yourself.  Self improvement and personal growth should be everyone’s highest goal: I used to spend all my money on CD’s and DVD’s, now I just steal them on the internet.  But whatever you do don’t wait for someone else to change.

Sometimes not changing is a good thing, especially when you're Snake Plissken

Some people are pretty on the inside:  Don’t be so superficial.  That nerdy girl you see everyday might actually be the hottest girl in the school.  A lot of the so-called “nerdy” girls are actually smoking hot babes in disguise.  I know it sounds hard to believe but if a girl has a smoking hot body and pretty face she just might be a knockout when she takes off her glasses and shakes her hair out of a bun.     

I know it's hard to believe but this girl is actually quite attractive

Don’t use a motorcycle in the event of a zombie apocalypse:  From Dawn of the Dead to the Walking Dead one of the iconic images of zombie movies is a man riding his motorcycle through the undead hordes, which makes sense.  In popular culture motorcycles represent the freedom of the open road, plus it’s a great excuse to wear a badass leather jacket.  There’s just one problem: two guys riding a motorcycle together look totally fruity.  Imagine you find another survivor; you’re not going to be able to ride him back to your base unless you’re okay with it looking kind of like he’s doing you in the butt.  If movies can be believed there will only be one or two decent looking chicks that survive, and the last thing you want is your awesome leather jacket taking on an unintended context.  A beige Volvo might not be sexy, but if she’s smart she’ll value you for your practicality.

Dawn of the Dead rules

Buy your girlfriend a webcam:  If you’re joining the army or going to a different school nothing will keep you closer together than being able to talk face to face every day.  Even better: your girlfriend can also put on sexy little shows for you, possibly with her roommate.  As a side bonus, if your webcam doesn’t save your relationship and you break up, you can always post the video on the internet for all the disgusting perverts out there.  Not me, I think that kind of thing is gross.

I am shocked and appalled

Advice for teens

Time to learn

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know everything; until recently I thought that retardation was the result of women coupling with demons.  Now I know it’s really just fetal alcohol syndrome.  Every year Rolling Stone asks famous people what advice they have for the graduating high school seniors that year.  It’s always a bunch of trite nonsense like, “stay true to yourself.”  With this in mind I sat down to give the youth of today some practical advice.  I’m not a genius, but I guarantee I’m at least as qualified as Rivers Cuomo.

Hang it up already, your 41 goddamned years old.  You look ridiculous.

Safety first, even the mighty Chewbacca wears eye protection

Pop the hood:  As a teenager you probably drive a piece of shit car that dies all the time.  Even if you don’t drive a crappy car, your friends probably do.  When you’re driving with a girl and the car dies, pop the hood and pull out a screwdriver from the glove box.  Insist that your Uncle is a mechanic.  Go outside and check the oil level.  If everything seems on the up and up, root around for a while, maybe call the person you know that knows the most about cars.  If the problem isn’t the oil level or anything someone can figure out over the phone it’s A-OK.  At least you made the effort.  She will be impressed with your chivalry and offer to sleep with you.  P.S. You should probably learn to change a tire and jump a dead battery as those skills will certainly come in handy, and it’s easy as shit and women generally can’t do it.

Watch football:  I didn’t really get into sports until college.  Now, I live and die with the White Sox and Chicago Bears.  I’ve found that sports, particularly football, is the easiest thing in the world to make small talk about with other guys.  Even if the other guy likes the goddamned Vikings I can usually find common ground talking about their offseason moves, running backs, Fran Tarkenton, etc.  Before I got into sports I had to rely on other people being into Star Wars, Iron Maiden, or Magic the Gathering.  The pool of people that includes isn’t as big as one might think. 

Cool!

If you just can’t get into sports, I suggest taking up smoking.  All cool people smoke; furthermore nowadays you have to smoke outside.  It’s become kind of a secret club.  You can’t bitch about your boss inside the office, but outside it’s anything goes.  Speaking of secret clubs…

Join the pen15 club:  The Pen15 club most exclusive powerful club in the country.  It’s kind of like the Freemasons crossed with the Illuminati crossed with Jews.  That being said, it’s super easy to join.  All you have to do is write Pen15 in all capitals letters on your hand or forehead.  You might want to use a permanent marker to show other members that you’re hardcore.

Actual meeting of the Pen15 Club.

The hole in the popcorn trick: A classic, and with good reason.  Next time you bring a girl to the movies take a minute and cut a hole in the popcorn bucket and slide your erect penis through the hole.  Then we she goes to get a handful of popcorn she’ll feel your rock hard member and realize that you’re one masculine dude and get super turned on.  Now you know why Orville Redenbacher was always smiling.

Werewolves are scary:  Everyone’s afraid of werewolves.  If you’re having trouble with a bully show them a picture of a werewolf, it will totally scare the shit out of them.  Better yet, turn into a werewolf, then you could just fucking eat them.  Then go to Trader Vic’s, you deserve it!

Another cool game for cool dudes.

"Wanna play Magic?"

 Ghost Hunters sucks:  I guess it’s not really advice, I mean, you shouldn’t watch the show.  It’s really boring.  The whole show is a couple of nerds listening to tapes of static and being like, ”Did you hear that?”  Then they play the same bit of static over again and say, ”It sounds like someone saying ‘help me.”  Then they play it one more time, and congratulations you’ve just lost five minutes of your life you’ll never get back.

Have sex with as many girls as possible:  This goes double for the ladies.  A lot of the “advice” on the list is just a joke, but I want to make it very clear that I am serious about this.  You have a very short period of time in life between when you become sexually active and when it becomes socially unacceptable (illegal) to have sex with high school girls.  Do it as much as you possibly can.

I couldn't be more serious

 If you have a snake for a penis, keep it to yourself:  Some people are born with an actual living snake where their junk ought to be.  This terrifies most people, including myself.  For the love of God feed it in private.  No one wants to see your penis eat a mouse or small rabbit.  If you ever want to get laid you’re going to either need to find a chick that really likes snakes or really hates herself.  The second type of girl is much easier to find.

I assume this advice applies to King Hiss