Dan's Top Horror Movies 30-21

Throughout the month of October I’m counting down my 50 favorite horror movie.  If you’re just joining me now you can check out 50-41 here or 40-31 here.

  

30.  Night of the Living Dead (1990)

One of the most influential shows in my life was “Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs.”  Every week Joe Bob would show two horror movies and during the commercial breaks he would intersperse the films with jokes and commentary.  It was the first place I saw a lot of classics, like From Beyond, Motel Hell, and Carrie.  But the first movie I saw on Monstervision was the Night of the Living Dead remake, and I loved it.  I’d seen a few horror movies before, but NOTLD was different.  I’ve been obsessed with horror movies ever since.  Critics were kind of harsh on the movie, calling it “unnecessary.”  I dunno about that, what’s wrong with having another Night of the Living Dead anyway?  The only thing I would criticize the film for was the dyke-y haircut of the female lead.  It’s like a red Moe Howard cut. 

Moe knows horror movies

29.  A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

The Nightmare on Elm Street franchise descended into silliness and self parody at a much quicker rate the Friday the 13^th series, which is surprising because from the beginning the Friday the 13^th movies were fucking stupid and the first Elm Street movie was scary and awesome.  Nightmare on Elm Street is about a child murderer that gets burned to death by the parents that live on Elm Street.  His ghost takes revenge by invading the dreams of the children on Elm Street and murdering them.  The film is nearly perfect, except for the stupid bullshit tacked on ending.  It made no sense in the context of the film, and left the door open for numerous shitty sequels.  Next thing you know Freddy is zinging one-liners and doing stupid bullshit like going into videogames.  If you must watch any of the sequels I’d say check out Wes Craven’s New Nightmare or Part 3: The Dream Warriors.  Dokken did the song for Dream Warriors.  Dokken sucks.

Here's Freddy in a fucking video game.  This is an actual still from a financially successful film.

28.  White Zombie (1932)

Bela Legosi is at his creepiest in this delightful voodoo romp.  In fact, it’s kind of surprising that any of the other characters ever trust him. He looks like Dracula after all, and he’s got that creepy pointy beard. His character’s name is Murder Legendre for Chrissakes.  I guess that’s the kind of name you’d expect a guy that turns people into zombies for a living to have, but I still wouldn’t exactly invite him over for pizza and pop.  Almost all surviving prints of White Zombie are of dubious quality, but I find that the tinny sound and grainy picture kind of add to the overall dark atmosphere of the film.  At only 69 minutes the film moves quickly, and yet they still manage to cram the film full of hilariously outdated racial stereotypes.  Noticeably absent from the film was a jigsaw man that turns the world around with the skeleton hand, or a guy with dreadlocks that says “yeah” all the time.   It shows up “On Demand” with Comcast from time to time (as of this writing it’s currently available) and it’s public domain so you can usually find it on DVD for less than $5, so you should definitely check it out.

"Pull the strings!!!"

27. Bride of Re-Animator (1990)

Hubba-hubba

Lots of serious H.P. Lovecraft fans hate the Re-Animator movies, because they have a serious stick up their ass.  Furthermore, most serious Lovecraft fans think “Herbert West Re-Animator” is one of Lovecraft’s worst because it’s accessible and actually kind of funny.  Their loss.  Bride of Re-Animator is noticeably sillier than the first film, but just as violent (assuming you watch the unrated version.) The bad guy in the movie looks exactly like former Presidential hopeful John Kerry, only he’s an undead severed head, meaning he’s far more vibrant and full of life than the Senator from Massachusetts.  I would be remiss if I talked about Bride of Re-Animater without telling you all, that Alotta Fagina from the first Austin Powers movie, takes her top off.  It’s just as cool as you thought it would be when you were 13.

26. Candyman (1992)

 Candyman takes place in the scariest place that ever existed, Cabrini Green in the early 90’s.  Today the Cabrini Green Housing Project is a vacant lot in a yuppified neighborhood, but back in the day there were snipers.  Literally snipers.  Candyman is about Virginia Madsen’s investigation of an urban legend originating in Cabrini Green about a black guy with a hook for a hand that spits bees all over the place, as if a black guy in Cabrini Green wasn’t scary enough already.  The film is based on a Clive Barker story and handles the subject of urban legends much better than the turdfest “Urban Legend.”  You also see Virginia Madsen’s booby.

Cabrini Green was so tough even this map has "street-talk" on it.

25. Dead Alive (1992)

Zombie baby, fuck yeah!

Dead Alive isn’t the first zombie comedy on this list and it won’t be the last.  It’s set in New Zealand in the 1950’s, but the movie is so awesome it took like 5 viewings before I realized it was a period piece.  The movie is seriously pretty sick, with zombies porking, zombie babies, and a priest doing kung-fu.  When I reviewed The Frightners I said it was easy to see why Peter Jackson got the LOTR job.  After watching Dead Alive it’s hard to see how a studio could justify giving someone who made such a sick awesome movie hundreds of millions of dollars to make the biggest trilogy since Star Wars.  If you’re a fan of zombie movies I guarantee you will like Dead Alive.  If you’re not a fan of zombie movies, I seriously wonder why you’re still reading my list.

24. The Crazies (2010)

Horror remakes have become a trend over the last decade or so, but unlike the piece-of-shit Psycho remake The Crazies is awesome.  The Crazies (1973) is a perfect example of the kind of movie to remake; a lesser known movie with good idea that wasn’t done as well as it could’ve been.   Personally I love George A. Romero’s version, but I like how Breck Eisner updated the original by adding terrifying shit (not jack-off noises) like a dude with a pitchfork stabbing defenseless hospital patients or the crazy dude with a shotgun at the Little League game.  Scary as that is, what makes The Crazies so good is the characters.   The main characters are all relatable and not dumb as a box of hammers, so I actually gave a shit whether they lived or died.  Interestingly, The Crazies is also the only horror movie I can think of off the top of my head set in Iowa.  I guess the film is supposed to take place in a small town in the middle of nowhere, and Iowa is about as nowhere as it gets.  But still, Iowa?  Actually come to think of it, that’s not that interesting.

23. American Werewolf in London (1981)

If the guy that made Animal House and the guy that made the music video for Thriller teamed up and made a movie it would probably look something like American Werewolf in London, which is exactly what happened (they were both directed by John Landis.)  AWIL isn’t quite as funny as Animal House or quite as scary as the video for Thriller (I was like 4 the first time I saw it,) but it’s probably the best werewolf movie ever made.  It even won an Oscar for the special effects.  American Werewolf in London is about SPOILER ALERT: an American that gets turned into a werewolf in London.  As I’ve discussed many times before, werewolves are a serious problem. As I’ve discussed very few times before, the chick in this movie is a total babe.  Why was she was only in like two movies, but there’s like 10 Kate Hudson “comedies” every fucking year? 

"I saw a werewolf at Trader Vic's.  His hair was perfect."

22. Dagon (2001)

Another H.P. Lovecraft adaptation, this time from my favorite short story “The Shadow Over Innsmouth.”  This film probably the closest to portrayal of H.P. Lovecraft’s vision of epic horror on film; there are powerful old gods that are indifferent to the fate of humanity, moreover the human race is not special or important.  Civilization is at best temporary, and if by some miracle the human race lives on, it will degenerate into amorality and cannibalism.  It’s that level of bleakness on a grand scale that makes Lovecraft, and Dagon so scary.  Stuart Gordon directed Dagon, his third Lovecraft adaptation after From Beyond and the original Re-Animator.* Like his previous adaptations, Dagon is a horror classic with plenty of gore, a good script and totally hot babes.

*Gordon also directed “Honey I Shrunk the Kids,” although originally based on Lovecraft’s “Cthulhu Rising” all references to demonic six-headed goats and women coupling with octopi were ultimately left on the cutting room floor.  Fucking censorship man.

21. Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Silence of the Lambs is generally considered to be a “thriller” and not a horror movie. I don’t really buy it.  The movie is about the search for a serial killer that’s skinning fat girls and turning them into clothing.  There’s even a part where a chick is being chased through the dark by a maniac in night-vision-goggles.  I guess it was thrilling, but I’d mostly just call it scary.  I don’t see how it could be anything but a horror movie, except maybe a comedy, but I'm kind of a sick fuck.  I think the real issue is that Silence of the Lambs won five Oscars, including best actor, actress, director, screenplay, and best picture.  Critics would never let a horror movie win best picture, so they call it a “thriller.”  Thriller is a bullshit category anyway.  The list of the highest rated thrillers on IMDB includes Terminator 2, Pulp Fiction, Black Swan and Die Hard.  Does that make any fucking sense?  To confuse matters further the song and video for Thriller is about horror movies.

"I'd fuck me."

30 horror movies down, and only 20 to go before Halloween.  Until next time remember...

Danzig wants your skull.

50 Ways to Kill a Werewolf.

Everyone agrees werewolves are a big problem, but what does one do to kill a werewolf?  I thought I'd shed some light on the situation.  Most of these methods come from my own research, and have been field tested by me personally.  I also consulted with the experts (idiots) in Big Dog Eat Child: Jim, Jason, Pedro, Skaj, and Steve Witkus.  My wife Elyse also told me a few of her own methods she's used to kill werewolves in the past..

1. Cook some delicious bacon so the werewolf smells it and gets really hungry.  Then flush it down the toilet so the werewolf will flush himself down the toilet to get the bacon.

2 Living Well

3. Take the werewolf to a screening of Inception, he will become confused and ask a bunch of questions, prompting other theater patrons to kill him.

4. Get the bad guy from Teen Wolf.

5. Send him to Detroit.

6. Inject him with diabetes.

7. Wait for him at Trader Vic’s with a shotgun full of silver buckshot.

Werewolves of London often have Chinese menu's in their hands, also they consort with this hot chick.

8. Tie a chicken bone to a baby.  When the werewolf eats the baby he will choke to death.

9. Kick him in the nards. Wolfman’s got nards.

10. Invent a werewolf killing robot.

11. Give him a wolfsbane filled condom.

12. Show him Van Helsing so he dies of boredom.

Kate Beckinsale couldn't save that piece of shit movie

13. Ask him if he’s the result of a dude having sex with a wolf.  When he denies it, get louder and more insistent.  He will die of embarrassment.

14. Give him a dog collar that was made in China.

15. Rub some cocoa butter on his rock hard muscles, and uh…strangle him?

Sumthin' for the ladies, and definitely not me

16. Cut the break lines in the Werewolf-mobile.

17. Give him some collectible Star Wars glasses from Burger King with lead paint.

I really wish these were my glasses.

18. Get him to fall in love with you, and then act emotionally distant.  When he finally confronts you about it say you’ve met someone else, so he dies of a broken heart.

19. Give him silver dollars for his birthday.

20. Go back in time and kill his werewolfmother.

21. Tell him he looks fat in those jeans (only works on gay werewolves.)

22. Get him really into Sylvia Plath and leave him alone in a room containing only an oven.

23. Kindness.  Kill him with kindness.

24. Ask him if he wants a silver bullet.  When he says “no,” laugh in his face to make him feel stupid.  Then open a Coors Light.  When he gets embarrassed and says he changed his mind shoot him in the face.

This shirt sucks. I can't even read it.

25. Convince him to play truth or dare with a group of teenage alpha-females.  His self-esteem will never recover.

26. Plate Tectonics.

27. Letting him play two armies but beating him at Risk anyway

28. Silverplated gold bullets.

At least he didn't use Prox-mines.

29. Start a civil rights movement for werewolves, that leads to a case in the Supreme Court.  Invite the werewolf to give testimony in the Supreme Court building.  As he walks in the door, it turns out not to be the supreme court building at all, but a cage full of French fur trappers. Sac re bleu!

30. Another bigger werewolf.

Heed the words of Taysir, truer words were never spoken.

31. Karate kicks to the neck.

32. Replace his heartworm medicine with Bit O Honey’s.  Even if he doesn’t die, he still had to eat that disgusting candy.

33. Tell some Fomori where he lives.

Hello nerds

34. Feed him chocolate so he gets diarrhea.

35. Shave him so he just looks like an ugly dude instead of a werewolf.  He will kill himself.

36. Get a gang of werecats to beat the shit out of him.

All the images for "werecat" were goddamned furry fan art, so here's the chick from Teen Wolf in her underwear.

37. Have the werewolf ride on the back of your motorcycle without a helmet on.

38. Hire Boba Fett to kill the werewolf.

39. Give yourself AIDS and have sex with the werewolf.

40. Take him to Mardi Gras so he gets alcohol poisoning.

41. Counterspell.

See number 30.

42. Sign him onto the Ark Music Project Label (it'll kill his career, at least).

   

43. Jago.

Video games are sweet.

44. Invent a disease that only kills werewolves, and then drink a beer.  You’ve earned it buddy!

45. Cut him out of the Special Edition.

Poor Lak Sivrak

46. Rent a bus and put a sign on it that says “Free Werewolf Shuttle.”  Then, when the bus is full of werewolves, run it over with a monster truck. This SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!

47. Make him role a critical failure.

See number 33. Also D30's are useless.

48. Replace his beer with a can of molten silver.

49. Ask if he like the full moon, and when he says yes show him your butt.  If that doesn’t kill him, just run away really fast.

50. Show him how lame werewolves are on World of Warcraft and give him the address to Blizzard studios.  That'll keep him busy while you save up for a silver baseball bat.

It's a lot less cool than this looks.

 Happy hunting! Well until next time kiddies, here's a picture of the Shewolf herself Shakira:

Advice for teens

Time to learn

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t know everything; until recently I thought that retardation was the result of women coupling with demons.  Now I know it’s really just fetal alcohol syndrome.  Every year Rolling Stone asks famous people what advice they have for the graduating high school seniors that year.  It’s always a bunch of trite nonsense like, “stay true to yourself.”  With this in mind I sat down to give the youth of today some practical advice.  I’m not a genius, but I guarantee I’m at least as qualified as Rivers Cuomo.

Hang it up already, your 41 goddamned years old.  You look ridiculous.

Safety first, even the mighty Chewbacca wears eye protection

Pop the hood:  As a teenager you probably drive a piece of shit car that dies all the time.  Even if you don’t drive a crappy car, your friends probably do.  When you’re driving with a girl and the car dies, pop the hood and pull out a screwdriver from the glove box.  Insist that your Uncle is a mechanic.  Go outside and check the oil level.  If everything seems on the up and up, root around for a while, maybe call the person you know that knows the most about cars.  If the problem isn’t the oil level or anything someone can figure out over the phone it’s A-OK.  At least you made the effort.  She will be impressed with your chivalry and offer to sleep with you.  P.S. You should probably learn to change a tire and jump a dead battery as those skills will certainly come in handy, and it’s easy as shit and women generally can’t do it.

Watch football:  I didn’t really get into sports until college.  Now, I live and die with the White Sox and Chicago Bears.  I’ve found that sports, particularly football, is the easiest thing in the world to make small talk about with other guys.  Even if the other guy likes the goddamned Vikings I can usually find common ground talking about their offseason moves, running backs, Fran Tarkenton, etc.  Before I got into sports I had to rely on other people being into Star Wars, Iron Maiden, or Magic the Gathering.  The pool of people that includes isn’t as big as one might think. 

Cool!

If you just can’t get into sports, I suggest taking up smoking.  All cool people smoke; furthermore nowadays you have to smoke outside.  It’s become kind of a secret club.  You can’t bitch about your boss inside the office, but outside it’s anything goes.  Speaking of secret clubs…

Join the pen15 club:  The Pen15 club most exclusive powerful club in the country.  It’s kind of like the Freemasons crossed with the Illuminati crossed with Jews.  That being said, it’s super easy to join.  All you have to do is write Pen15 in all capitals letters on your hand or forehead.  You might want to use a permanent marker to show other members that you’re hardcore.

Actual meeting of the Pen15 Club.

The hole in the popcorn trick: A classic, and with good reason.  Next time you bring a girl to the movies take a minute and cut a hole in the popcorn bucket and slide your erect penis through the hole.  Then we she goes to get a handful of popcorn she’ll feel your rock hard member and realize that you’re one masculine dude and get super turned on.  Now you know why Orville Redenbacher was always smiling.

Werewolves are scary:  Everyone’s afraid of werewolves.  If you’re having trouble with a bully show them a picture of a werewolf, it will totally scare the shit out of them.  Better yet, turn into a werewolf, then you could just fucking eat them.  Then go to Trader Vic’s, you deserve it!

Another cool game for cool dudes.

"Wanna play Magic?"

 Ghost Hunters sucks:  I guess it’s not really advice, I mean, you shouldn’t watch the show.  It’s really boring.  The whole show is a couple of nerds listening to tapes of static and being like, ”Did you hear that?”  Then they play the same bit of static over again and say, ”It sounds like someone saying ‘help me.”  Then they play it one more time, and congratulations you’ve just lost five minutes of your life you’ll never get back.

Have sex with as many girls as possible:  This goes double for the ladies.  A lot of the “advice” on the list is just a joke, but I want to make it very clear that I am serious about this.  You have a very short period of time in life between when you become sexually active and when it becomes socially unacceptable (illegal) to have sex with high school girls.  Do it as much as you possibly can.

I couldn't be more serious

 If you have a snake for a penis, keep it to yourself:  Some people are born with an actual living snake where their junk ought to be.  This terrifies most people, including myself.  For the love of God feed it in private.  No one wants to see your penis eat a mouse or small rabbit.  If you ever want to get laid you’re going to either need to find a chick that really likes snakes or really hates herself.  The second type of girl is much easier to find.

I assume this advice applies to King Hiss