Advice for Teens: Furious 5

For several years now I've been writing an open letter to the graduating class of High School Seniors.  This year is no different.  The advice is universal and carries over from year to year.  For previous installments look here, here, here and here.

Some Guys Have a Crooked Penis

This is perfectly natural… amongst circus freaks.  It is unknown whether their penises are crooked because they are cursed by God for being in league with the devil or if owners of said penises are in league with the devil because they were cursed by God with a crooked dong. Avoid at all costs.

 

"One of us! One of us!"

Take Nude Selfies

Most adults will tell you not to do this.  They’re just jealous.  There’s, a very good chance you’ve peaked physically, so you might as well document that for posterity.  The Freshmen 15 is very real.  Which leads directly to my next point… 

 

If you're scared, just keep your face out of the picture and it won't follow you around for the rest of your life.

Start Working Out

Maybe you have a high metabolism, or you’re really active.  Maybe you just haven’t started drinking beer yet, but that shit’s over.  Welcome to the age where you’re going to have to start taking care of yourself if you don’t want to look like a sad sack of shit.  Beyond basic vanity, you’ll also be in better health.

A little summthin' for the ladies

Don’t Shove Gummie Bears Up Your Ass

It seems obvious, but I just saw a clickbaity ad that seemed to imply you teens were doing the contrary.  I didn’t click the ad, so maybe there’s some other gross thing I “won’t believe what teenagers are doing with gummie bears.”  Whatever it is you should probably stop doing it for both our sakes.

 

This however is highly acceptable

Stop Taking Shitty Cellphone Videos of Bands

Act like you’ve been to a concert before.  It makes you look like a fucking dork.  It blocks the view of the people standing behind you, which is fucking rude.  Also consider this: why not watch the concert that is literally happening right in front of you instead of your damn cellphone screen you look at all day everyday.  Furthermore, no one’s ever clicked on a shitty cellphone video on youtube and thought, “Good.”  No, everyone’s immediate reaction is, “Oh, this sucks.  It looks like shit.  I’m going to watch something else.”

Stop Wearing Bookbags to Concerts

While we’re on the subject, lose the backpack, nerd.  You’re at a rock show, not school.  If you must wear a backpack (sigh,) stay near the back so you don’t get in anyone’s way.  There s literally nothing worse than having some idiot  at a very crowded show bumping into you with their stupid bookbag, except AIDS (AIDS unlike a bookbag bump is deadly, making it marginally worse.) 

Just look at this fucking asshole