Childhood Stories

A young writer and his brother, note the diaper

My blog is pretty young, but I’ve already gotten over 800 hits. (If you’re reading this thank you.)   As you may or may not know I’ve been involved with the comedy group Big Dog Eat Child for almost 8 years now, as a writer and a performer.  I started writing, creatively at least, when I was 8 years old.  Writing is something I’ve always enjoyed doing as long as I can remember, provided I could write creatively.  I never liked English class, except for the one or two assignments a year where they let me write about something other than my goddamn summer vacation.  The exception was the second grade.  I had Mrs. Lynn as a teacher, and she let me write creatively for extra credit.  To this day I remember her as the best teacher I ever had. 

Stony Creek, where I spent my formative years

Unlike most kids in 1992, my dad was a network engineer and I typed my assignments.  I have most of the stories I wrote to this day, and I’m going to start posting them on this blog.  It won’t always be pretty.  Some stories are better than others, and some are downright awful, but at least they’re all short.  All stories will be presented in their original misspelled glory.  I will provide commentary into my 8 year old self’s creative process, such as it was.  I mean, I’ve gone back and read all of these stories, and even I can’t always tell what I was the fuck I was trying to say. 

The first story posted will be “The Monk Battle” from April 22^nd, 1992.  Newer stories will be added in chronological order whenever possible.  I hope you get to see how my writing process progressed over the years; that is assuming my style has progressed over the last 18 years.  Over time I may add things that were written more recently, however it is doubtful that some of the stuff I wrote in high school will ever be less than soul destroyingly embarrassing.  (As a side note: One time my wife, back when she was my girlfriend, was going through the files on my computer and some of the ones written in Junior High with names like “diary” were password protected.  I’d like to take a moment and thank my fourteen-year-old self for thinking so far ahead.)    

Access Denied

Beer Name Game

This is the domestic beer name game.  It's in reference to the fact that most domestic beer's have similar sounding, generic names.  It was originally posted to make fun of Big Flats 1901, It's reposted by request, and since a lot of people seemed to like it I thought I'd make it it's own separate post. If you like this post be sure to check out the rest of my blog or at least my other bottomshelf beer reviews.0 

 

Beer Name Game

Here’s how the domestic beer name game works:

1. If you’re under the age of 30 use the word “Old” if you’re over 30 use the word “Olde”  If you are exactly 30 use the word “ol’.”

2. Take the first letter of your last name and find a town in Wisconsin with the same first letter. (unless your last name begins with M, Q,U, X, Y or Z then you just use Milwaukee.) Adding an apostrophe “S” is entirely optional.  See list blow:

A- Arcadia

B- Boscobel

C- Commonwealth

D- Deerfield

E- Eau Galle

F- Fort Winnebago

G- Germania

H- Helvetia

I- Ixonia

J- Jamestown

K- Kewaskum

L- La Follette

M- Milwaukee

N- Nelson

O- Ojibwa

P- Polar

Q- Milwaukee

R- Rhinelander

S- Sheboygan

T- Tomahawk

U- Milwaukee

V- Vinland

W- Wausaukee

Y Milwaukee

Z- Milwaukee

3.  Take the first letter or your first name and apply it to the chart below

A- Stone

B- Mountain

C- River

D- Stream

E- Original

F- Lager

G- Big

H- Flats

I- Lake

J- Ice

K- Special

L- National

M- Point

N- Natural

O- Export

P- Falls

Q- Genuine

R- Draft

S- Best

T- Own

U- Lite

V- Light

W- Plains

X- Forest

Y- Ale

Z- Fields

4.  Take your age and add it to 1850.

I’m 27 so I got “Old.”  My last name starts with an “O” so I took Ojibwa and my first name starts with a “D” so I got stream.  Old Ojibwa Stream 1877.  Wow, I could really go for a cold ’77 right now.

Katy Perry would be Old Polar Special 1876.

And Eazy-E would be Olde Eau Galle Original 1887

Katy Perry loves the beer name game!
Note: You have to click on the picture to get her tits to bounce.

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Game Day Ice

Game Day Ice

 “Are you ready for some football?!?!?!?!?!”  There’s no need to scream, Mr. Hank Williams Jr.  I am, as always, ready for some football.   My beloved Bears have clinched their division for the first time since 2006.  On a separate note, what the fuck’s with the song?  The song used to draw a line in the sand, to separate those ready for some football and those that decidedly weren’t.  Every year they add more dancers and newer, stupider lyrics.  Next year, I wouldn’t be surprised if the cast of Glee joins Hank Jr. singing a mashup of his 1990 intro and The Black Eyed Peas “I Gotta Feeling.”  It’s enough to make ol’ Hank Sr. turnover in his Redman stained grave.

Game Day Ice seems to promise a combination of two things I love: beer and football.  Is there anything that goes together better than beer and football?  Well, bourbon and morphine killed Hank Sr., so failing that I would say beer and football is probably about as good as it gets.  Since I love beer and football so much I should in theory love a beer that purports to combine these two things, right? Well, in theory communism works.

I ended up drinking Game Day Ice after someone left it at my house following our annual Christmas Eve-Eve Party.  One of my wife’s friends heard I reviewed crappy beer, and couldn’t resist bring some Game Day Ice over.  Makes me think I should have started a blog reviewing high-end single malt Scotch.  In any case I just watched the Saints clinch a playoff berth and cracked open an ice-cold Premium Brewed Game Day Ice.  According to the can, this beer is always traditionally brewed with only the freshest ingredients. 

Fancy talk from a can of 7-11 brand beer.  Calling your beer “Premium” doesn’t make it so, anymore than drawing a nipple on your butt cheek makes it a tit.  As was the case with Big Flats 1901, Game Day’s can makes a lot of promises and doesn’t deliver.   A word of advice: we live in the digital age, use technology to your advantage.  When you come across a macro-brew do a quick search on your smart phone.  If the beer doesn’t have an official website avoid it at all costs. Websites are a cheap an easy way to promote a product and sell crappy merch.  If the makers of the beer don’t feel the need to sell t-shirts and Styrofoam antenna balls you shouldn’t feel the need to drink it. 

A rose by any other name...

As for the beer itself: it smells kind of fruity, and not in a gay way.  It smells like you took a bowl of Apple Jacks and poured beer all over it.  It tastes okay at first, bubbley with a hint of appleness.  Almost like you mixed a hard cider like Magners with a domestic beer like Miller Lite.  Then the aftertaste hits.  The aftertaste is pretty similar to Steel Reserve or other high gravity malt beverages.  In other words, it’s disgusting.  If you’ve never had Steel Reserve, take a can of some watery flavorless beer like Keystone Light, and drop in a depth charge of the cheapest vodka you can find.  Your concoction should taste vaguely like beer with a bad chemical aftertaste.  That’s exactly what Game Day Ice tastes like, with maybe a few Johnny Apple Treats thrown in for good measure.  This wouldn’t be so bad, but Game Day’s alcohol content is only 5.5%, woefully short of Steel Reserve’s 8.1%.   That means you have to drink even more of this shit to get drunk.  I’ve been known to exaggerate a bit when reviewing a beer, but make no mistake; this shit is awful.   I think it’s one of the worst beers I’ve ever drank.  The half a can I’ve sucked down so far is not sitting well, at all.  Maybe I'm just hungy, but I feel kind of sick.  I’m actually debating whether or not to pour this shit down the drain.

I don’t know how well you know me, but I think you should know that I never ever pour cold beer down the drain.  This stuff is bad.  If you have to poison someone this beer would be a good candidate as it already tastes like poison.  This beer was a gift, so I didn’t pay for it; however I looked it up online and I guess it usually costs like $8.99 a twelver. That’s a goddamn ripoff.  Spend a few bucks more and get a case of Old Style, or better yet spend a few bucks less and get a couple 40’s of Mickey’s.  This shit is gross.

A picture says a thousand words

 Note:  I came up with half a dozen captions for that last picture.  Some of the highlights include:
"how the mighty have fallen" and "fuck you Game Day Ice."  The second one isn't very clever, but it describes my mood perfectly.

Cold Weather

It’s that time of year again.  When the days get shorter and the weather gets colder; winter.  There are obvious good things about winter: football, Lindsey Vonn, Christmas, and dogs with barrels of brandy around their necks.  Most people agree that those things are good, and many people will claim to like winter despite the cold weather.  I like winter because of the cold weather.

A reason for the season

Desolate as The Road

I feel like it makes me a little bit tougher than all those pussies in places like California.  They’ve never skidded on black ice across four lanes of traffic.  They’ve never walked down the streets of Chicago when it’s shitty out and you’re all alone, like a survivor of the nuclear holocaust.  They don’t know what it’s like when you absolutely have to be outside for an extended period of time when it’s freezing cold out.  It feels shitty, but you feel tough going where weaker men fear to tread.  Cold weather reminds me how my ancestors painted themselves blue and fought the Romans buck naked in the snow; the epic struggle of men fighting men, naked.  Well, this paragraph certainly took a turn for the gayest.  I mean jeez.  Ughh…it’s historical, look it up if you don’t believe me.  

Doesn't get straighter than this

Vice President: Of my pants!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I like complaining about cold weather as much as anyone.  I mean, bitching about the weather is at least as much of a winter sport as men’s figure skating.  It’s nice to have something really shitty to complain about.  Maybe that’s why there always bitching about bullshit out in Cali: third-hand smoke, the lack of high quality vegan restaurants, and Sarah Palin (no one else takes her seriously.)  We Midwesterners have real things to complain about: cold ass weather, a shitty economy and corrupt ass politicians.

But you know what I really like about cold weather: it kills the homeless.  I don’t mean that as callous as it sounds.  I think it thins the heard a little and leaves us with a heartier, tougher, crazier breed of bum.  Think about it, if you lost your job and for some reason you couldn’t get help from your family and friends, what would you do?  Personally I’d panhandle $40 and hop a train to LA.  You gotta be tough as nails and batshit crazy to live like Aqualung in a Chicago winter.  One time I was on the “L” and this homeless dude had his hands over his ears and he kept screaming that he needed to get to a fallout shelter.  Seriously. 

The proof is in the pudding.  Every slam poet I’ve ever met from California has been “homeless” for a little while, and the streets of LA are practically paved with homeless people.  In Chicago, if there’s a bum sleeping on Buckingham Fountain the police tell him to get his ass to a shelter.  In LA every beach, bench and tourist attraction is full of bums just laying out everywhere.  They all got funny signs, “need money for weed, at least I’m honest”  “Will work for booze.”  You know what happens to funny bums in Chicago?  They fucking die.

Thin the heard

In conclusion our bums could beat the shit out of LA bums, and if you want to fight poverty you should try to solve tough problems.  Stop closing mental hospitals and help fight substance abuse.  Don’t let hobos stink up Venice Beach.  Also, it’s fucking cold out and I gotta shovel.  Fuck.

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Big Flats 1901 Premium American Lager

If you don't feel like reading the whole review you can check out the video version here.

I know what you’re thinking, “Oh look at Mr. Rockstar with his fancy schmantzty Premium American Lager.  You use premium gas too?  Hey all us regular people fill our cars with unleaded or maybe midgrade on our birthdays.  Premium?  You must be related to the Pope or something.”

Big Flats in its natural habitat

Fear not ladies and gentlemen, I’m no sell-out.  Danny is still a man of the people.  I to was given pause when I saw the “Premium” printed on the label, even if it did cost $2.99 a six pack at the local Walgreens.  I assumed, quite correctly, that the “Premium” on the label was kind of like when High Life calls itself the champagne of beers.  The can also takes pains to call itself a “lager beer” and assure us that it’s “brewed from only the choicest hops.”  All this pomp and circumstance for three bucks a six pack at Walgreens.  The beer wasn’t even in the cooler, it was just piled in the middle of the store.    

Beer companies like to tout their rich history.  Pabst Blue Ribbon gets its namesake from winning “best beer in the world” in 1893.  Budweiser still has horses for some fucking reason.  Big Flats says 1901, this would seem to imply that the beer has been around since 1901.  This would be a goddamned lie.  Near as I can tell Big Flats is just the new Walgreens brand beer. It’s hard to say for sure though; they don’t even have a website.  Jesus, I have a website. 

Notice the lack of color. Also, not my kitchen.

As for the taste, well the can says “it’s the water that makes it.”  This is an apt description as it smells like water and tastes like water with a turd floating in it.  I’ve never drank the water that comes up the drain when the sink backs up, but I think I can now hazard a guess what it tastes like.  Okay, I’m being a little harsh.  I mean it’s not like I poured it down the drain.  I bought a six pack and I’m going to finish it.  It actually goes down pretty smooth, but it’s got a poo aftertaste similar to the one you get with Bud Select or MGD.  Honestly, it’s been a while since I had either of those beers, but I think the poo taste was worse with Big Flats.  The stuff is not good, but it was really cheap and convenient.  

And that's the bottom line: price and convenience.  In the Chicagoland area there’s a Walgreens on every block,  so if you have 3.50 in your pocket you’re never more than half a block away from a six pack of beer.  I like those odds.  It could be worse; there could be a picture of Hitler on the can.

Maybe a little too convenient.  Save some for the rest of us!

Beer Name Game

Here’s how the domestic beer name game works:

1. If you’re under the age of 30 use the word “Old” if you’re over 30 use the word “Olde”  If you are exactly 30 use the word “ol’.”

2. Take the first letter of your last name and find a town in Wisconsin with the same first letter. (unless your last name begins with M, Q,U, X, Y or Z then you just use Milwaukee.) Adding an apostrophe “S” is entirely optional.  See list blow:

A- Arcadia

B- Boscobel

C- Commonwealth

D- Deerfield

E- Eau Galle

F- Fort Winnebago

G- Germania

H- Helvetia

I- Ixonia

J- Jamestown

K- Kewaskum

L- La Follette

M- Milwaukee

N- Nelson

O- Ojibwa

P- Polar

Q- Milwaukee

R- Rhinelander

S- Sheboygan

T- Tomahawk

U- Milwaukee

V- Vinland

W- Wausaukee

Y Milwaukee

Z- Milwaukee

3.  Take the first letter or your first name and apply it to the chart below

A- Stone

B- Mountain

C- River

D- Stream

E- Original

F- Lager

G- Big

H- Flats

I- Lake

J- Ice

K- Special

L- National

M- Point

N- Natural

O- Export

P- Falls

Q- Genuine

R- Draft

S- Best

T- Own

U- Lite

V- Light

W- Plains

X- Forest

Y- Ale

Z- Fields

4.  Take your age and add it to 1850.

I’m 27 so I got “Old.”  My last name starts with an “O” so I took Ojibwa and my first name starts with a “D” so I got stream.  Old Ojibwa Stream 1877.  Wow, I could really go for a cold ’77 right now.

Katy Perry would be Old Polar Special 1876.

And Eazy-E would be Olde Eau Galle Original 1887

Katy Perry loves the beer name game!
Note: You have to click on the picture to get her tits to bounce. 

UPDATE 1-22-2013

Video Version:

Black Cromedy

Black comedy or dark comedy is a genre of film.  When it’s done right you get a great movie like The Royal Tenenbaums, Fargo, or Dr. Strangelove.  When it’s done wrong you get black “cromedy.”  Cromedy is like comedy in that the material presented is supposed to be funny, and that’s where the similarities end.  There are many different types of cromedy: romantic cromedy, prop cromedy and the most egregious of all: black cromedy.

A black cromedy is movie like Suicide Kings, Death to Smoochy, or The Invention of Lying.  What do black cromedies have in common with each other? That’s easy: lack of likeable/normal characters, lack of jokes, and predictable plots.  You watch the movie; bad people do bad things to each other.  Nothing funny happens and the movie ends exactly the way you thought it would.  You feel shitty and mad, not only did you watch a turd of a movie, but you now feel like someone ran over your dog.

Different kind of black cromedy, still not funny

Typically when a comedy isn’t funny (like a Tyler Perry movie) or the plot is as predictable as a History Channel special about the Luftwaffe most people agree that the movie is a piece of shit.  To be fair, most black cromedies are not financial successes, but no matter how shitty, stupid, or asinine the cromedy is someone will like it (except Sour Grapes, no one has ever seen that movie.) 

Not even she could save this turd

Moreover, these cromedies often take normally funny people and make them “frunny.” (to be frunny is to tell “jorks” which are like jokes but they aren’t funny at all.)  Death to Smoochy has some amazingly frunny scenes with Jon Stewart, Danny DeVito, and that midget from Seinfeld.  Invention of Lying has (sexy) Tina Fey, Ricky Gervais, Jonah Hill, and Rob Lowe sucking.  Hard.  In fact, you have to go back to the 1989 cromedy Weekend at Bernie's to find a scene that falls flatter than Jonah Hill’s, and that movie was at least made in the 80’s when every movie sucked.       

I don’t want you to think I’m being some sort of elitist.  I mean, I’ve seen Face/Off more than anyone I know, and that movie is fucking retarded.  I understand that people like movies I don’t, and that often times I think those movies are stupid (Wedding Crashers.)  The real crime with black cromedy is that they think I’m stupid.  Usually it’s someone I know and respect, and I’m going through their DVDs and I find one of these abortions of film in their collection.  Then I say, “Deadman on Campus, huh?” Then they always get really defensive and accuse me of not getting “it.”

Q:  What’s the difference between Deadman on Campus and a pile of dead babies?

A:  No one’s ever laughed at Deadman on Campus.

A straight movie for straight dudes

By most people’s definitions I have a sick sense of humor.  I guarantee you your movie isn’t too “shocking’ or “in-yo’-face” for me, it just sucks balls.  I know you think it makes you edgy and smart to like a movie that no one possibly thinks is funny, but cut me some slack.  I don’t get all bent out of shape when you point out the homoeroticism in Bloodsport.  Oh, what’s that you say?  You like The Doom Generation?!  Well fuck you.

Note:  I just realized that most of these movies came out at least ten years ago.  So sue me.  Over the years I've gotten much better at avoiding painfully unfunny movies, which leaves more time for Bloodsport.  

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Mickey's

"None for me, thanks!"

Ahhh Mickey’s.  Thought I’d kick this section off right with “fine malt liquor” (their words not mine, but they might as well be.)  Some of you crackers might scoff and look down your nose at this fine beverage, but when you get done hanging out with Rich Uncle Pennybags* you might want to treat yourself with this delicious malt beverage.

Mickey’s has a bee on every bottle, but don’t worry Mickey’s is NOT bee flavored.  It actually has a fizzy sweet flavor.  It smells like honey, which would explain the bee I guess.  It doesn’t have the usual poo aftertaste you get with most malt liquors, and it doesn’t feel like you’re drinking a headache in a bottle.  As I sip the Mickey’s I think of getting pleasantly drunk not taking a nasty shit tomorrow, which is more than I can say about a lot of the beers I intend to review.  My wife went so far as to call Mickey’s “surprisingly good.”  She usually won’t even drink domestic beer, so that should give you some idea of how good it actually is.

A Mickey's Grenade

Mickey’s is sold in cans of every size, or more commonly in a 40 oz. bottle or six pack of twelve oz. “grenade” bottles.  For this column I got myself a six pack of “grenades,” which I tend to prefer.  It is however socially acceptable to drink Mickey’s out of an ice-cold-fotie.  It may cost 80 cents more than a King Cobra and a $1.20 more than Steel Reserve but a 40 of Mickey’s is easily $3 better than those other malt liquors, and it’s Union made.  Put that in your pipes and smoke it you rich assholes.

Best CGA graphics ever

Mickey’s seems to have some sort of Irish motif, which I don’t really get.  I guess the bottle is green, but how often do you see Irish guys drinking malt liq-  Wait a minute.  I’m Irish and I like Mickey’s, but why?  It isn’t just the taste, $3 better though it may be; Mickey’s has a lot of the intangibles. Under the cap for instance they have rebus puzzles like on  Classic Concentration.  These puzzles get harder the more Mickey’s you drink, which is just part of the fun.

Mickey’s also has a wide mouth, which I like for drinking quickly and I think it goes down better.  The wide mouth also makes it a lot easier to pee in when you’re done.  The Mickey’s official website seems to acknowledge this “We bet you’re the kind of guy that cruises the internet with one-handed…a mouse in one hand and a Mickey’s grenade in the other.”  How did they know I hate getting up from the computer to pee?  How did they know I like throwing baseball-sized bottles of urine and watching them explode?

Super-Patriot Danny gets ready to grenade some jerks

 It can't be too much of a coincidence, after all everyone’s peed in a Mickey’s bottle at one time or another and whipped it at some frat guys from a moving vehicle.  The disturbing thing is that Mickey’s seems to market themselves directly to me.  Their website has a picture of a sexy lady in a bikini and asks, “shouldn’t you be surfing the waves instead of the web?”  I have never surfed in my life, but I’ve seen Point Break a lot and I think I think I want to surf.  How did Mickey’s know what I think I want to do?

Grenaded Nazi.  Notice: you can't see the actual authentic SS helmet

 I guess that’s not important.  What is important is that Mickey’s tastes awesome is packaged awesome, and it's certainly cheap enough for your dumb ass.  Do yourself a favor and go out and try some.

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews

 =

I don’t know if you know this about me, but I like to drink, a lot.  I’ll drink just about anything that gets you drunk, but my drink of choice is American Beer.

About 7 years ago

Since I was about 17 to the present I have never gone more than a week without a beer.  I rarely get drunk anymore (takes too long) but I love to drink.  Now, I like a tasty Guinness as much as the next man.  My favorite beer is the Dog Fish Head 60 minute IPA, but I’m no snob.  Anyway, who’s got that kind of money?  Shelling out 10 bucks a six pack?  You can only have one beer a day at that price.  I like beer as much as anyone, probably more than just about everyone.  To that end I drink a lot of American beer.

24 cans, 24 years.  My 24th birthday.

Sonny Crockett

 If you look around on the web you’ll find lots of websites reviewing, wine, scotch, and fancy pants beers.  You don’t find a lot of reviews of American macrobrews: Budweiser, Coors Light, Blatz, Special Export, or Schlitz.  The ones that you do find on websites like beeradvocate.com typically break down like this:

“Pours out a crystal-clear golden macro lager yellow - you know, the classic piss beer color. Actually has some head retention on the top, very effervescent with lots of active carbonation… Smell is so clean it reminds me of fabric softener, and I swear I am get a floral whiffs. That smell has to be coming from somewhere else. Anyway, smells interesting for such a beer. Taste is somewhat clear and crisp too, and dry…I always have wondered, why in the world would anyone kreusen an adjunct lager? Why polish a turd”? –Star80 review of Old Style on beeradvocate.com

A few years ago, double fisting.

Keep in mind the guy gave the beer a B- so presumably he likes Old Style.  I mean, what the fuck?  The High Life Guy would flip his lid if he heard shit like that.  I decided to add a new feature to my blog and start reviewing American beers.  This includes just about everything that costs about as much as a case of Bud or less. The bottom shelf is usually where I buy my beer from, so special attention will be paid to the extremely cheap beers.  30 packs and malt liquor will be included, and paid special attention to.  I won’t like everything, in fact I’ll hate a good deal of what I end up drinking but that’s the way it goes sometimes.  You gotta suffer for your art.

Suffering for art, or just drunk?

Showering in America II

We’ve already discussed showering in America and how it can be an adventure.  Today we’ll talk about something a little more controversial: Peeing in the shower.  Now I’m not saying you should pee in the shower, and I’m definitely not saying you should pee in my shower.  What I am saying is that there are two kinds of people in the world; people that pee in the shower and people that lie about peeing in the shower.

Oh sure some will tell you that when they have to pee they turn the water off, dry off (so-as not to get the floor all wet,) and then they finally go pee?  Bullshit!  I call shenanigans.  Who’s got time for all that crap?  When I gotta go, I gotta go.  

I have to pee just looking at this picture.

Only God can judge me.

 I’ve heard people say, “I go before I get in!”  Like that matters?  Who can resist peeing with all that water noise?  I also often drink beer in the shower.  I mean you might as well; the stuff goes through you so quick. It’s nice to just piss it right out, and not run to the bathroom or wash your hands or any of that other crap.  Plus it’s a great feeling knowing your life has progressed to the point where you can drink beer wherever you damn well please.  Without society fucking judging you.

It is especially unbelievable that people don’t pee in the college dorm showers.  Who wants to go parading around the bathroom in a towel?  And sometimes there were even girls in the men’s bathroom (see earlier post.)  Plus not peeing in the dorm shower was a missed opportunity.  You see, all three shower stalls shared the same drain.  So if you took the far stall and peed, then your pee would travel through the other guys’ showers and they’d be none the wiser.  Get it?!?!  Hilarious.

Scene of the crime.

Sometimes when you’re taking a shower your wife will come in to fix her hair or something, seeing as the bathroom is where all her beauty products are kept.  So she’s putting her face on by the sink and you’re sitting in the shower relaxing and you hear the call of nature.  The only problem is that you had asparagus last night with dinner so it fucking reeks.

Just a bit of advice: if she asks what that smell is don’t tell her you peed in the shower or you will be scrubbing the tub for the rest of your natural life.  Instead tell her you farted.  As everyone knows showers are the absolute worst places in the world to fart.  The curtain traps the smell in and the steam cooks the stench and makes it hot, which is worse for some reason.  It has been said by men far smarter than me that the only good thing about shower farts is that you can you them to cover up an asparagus pee incident.  Use this advice wisely.

Some environmentalists (fucking hippies) encourage people to pee in the shower to save water, like they ever take a shower.  Zing!  Also peeing in the shower can prevent athletes foot if you pee on your feet,  which I don’t.   That’s fucking gross.    

It's okay to piss on Pennywise

Black Friday: There's No More Room in Hell

Q: What’s the difference between zombies and Wal-Mart shoppers? 

A: Zombies aren’t fat.

I kid.  I don’t mean to seem like I’m knocking capitalism, because capitalism rules.  I just don’t like these people.  My Thanksgiving was great; I ate a lot of tasty food, drank a lot, watched some football and took a solid nap.  I didn’t feel compelled to stand outside all day getting cold like an Indian.

Fuck that noise.

If only.

I guess part of my issue is that when I worked retail I had to work Black Friday, and it was pretty much the worst day of my life.  That’s a bit of an exaggeration but it breaks down like this:

Worst Days of All Time:

1. Anytime someone I cared about died
2. The Bears lose the Super Bowl
3. Working retail on Black Friday

This bear never disappoints

So I started my day at 3AM, which meant that I had to go to bed around 8 o’clock the night before.  You might’ve thought that would get in the way of my drinking, and you’d be damn wrong under normal circumstances.  When I have to go to bed I’m usually more inclined to have a few extra beers so I can sleep easily and wake up early.  Unfortunately I had a goddamned cold on Thanksgiving, so I just had a little whiskey with my Sleepytime tea.

I had to get up and brave the frigid 3AM even though the store opened at 5 because my boss had the idea that he would go outside and ask people if they were due for an upgrade while they were waiting in line, and he’d radio their information to me and I’d check it on the computer.  Well exactly one person submitted himself to this process, so I just sat there being miserable as fuck.

Must have $20 Garmin!

At 5AM the doors opened, and it was like when you see a news report about an American embassy being overrun in some god forsaken shit hole.  People swarmed in with no regard for there own lives or anyone else’s.  All the cops in the world wouldn’t have stood a chance against that mob, which is kind of a funny coincidence because some people got into a fight in the parking lot and the cops did in fact show up.

A black Friday I actually like

The jubilation of the crowd as they ran through the store snatching up deals like a pack of blood-mad wolves really pissed me off.  I didn’t want to be there.  First of all retail sucks.  Second of all I was tired and in ill health.  But the reason I was so pissed off was that these assholes showed up in the first place.  If the line didn’t form until the store opened at 5 I could’ve gotten two extra hours sleep.  Furthermore if they didn’t show up till 8 everybody wins.  Typically these sales only last till 1 o’clock anyway, so why not just start it when it isn’t goddamned dark out?

It’s become fashionable in recent years to blame the stores for the increased incidents of violence and trampling.  I don’t like the 5AM start time, but I know what corporations are and what they want: money.  I don’t begrudge them for it, it’s their nature; it’d be like getting mad at a zombie for trying to eat brains.  I do take issue with people that should have a brain between there ears trampling each other to death like fricking monsters.

Oh shit! Zombies!

Fuck! They've breached the perimeter.

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