Black Friday: There's No More Room in Hell

Q: What’s the difference between zombies and Wal-Mart shoppers? 

A: Zombies aren’t fat.

I kid.  I don’t mean to seem like I’m knocking capitalism, because capitalism rules.  I just don’t like these people.  My Thanksgiving was great; I ate a lot of tasty food, drank a lot, watched some football and took a solid nap.  I didn’t feel compelled to stand outside all day getting cold like an Indian.

Fuck that noise.

If only.

I guess part of my issue is that when I worked retail I had to work Black Friday, and it was pretty much the worst day of my life.  That’s a bit of an exaggeration but it breaks down like this:

Worst Days of All Time:

1. Anytime someone I cared about died
2. The Bears lose the Super Bowl
3. Working retail on Black Friday

This bear never disappoints

So I started my day at 3AM, which meant that I had to go to bed around 8 o’clock the night before.  You might’ve thought that would get in the way of my drinking, and you’d be damn wrong under normal circumstances.  When I have to go to bed I’m usually more inclined to have a few extra beers so I can sleep easily and wake up early.  Unfortunately I had a goddamned cold on Thanksgiving, so I just had a little whiskey with my Sleepytime tea.

I had to get up and brave the frigid 3AM even though the store opened at 5 because my boss had the idea that he would go outside and ask people if they were due for an upgrade while they were waiting in line, and he’d radio their information to me and I’d check it on the computer.  Well exactly one person submitted himself to this process, so I just sat there being miserable as fuck.

Must have $20 Garmin!

At 5AM the doors opened, and it was like when you see a news report about an American embassy being overrun in some god forsaken shit hole.  People swarmed in with no regard for there own lives or anyone else’s.  All the cops in the world wouldn’t have stood a chance against that mob, which is kind of a funny coincidence because some people got into a fight in the parking lot and the cops did in fact show up.

A black Friday I actually like

The jubilation of the crowd as they ran through the store snatching up deals like a pack of blood-mad wolves really pissed me off.  I didn’t want to be there.  First of all retail sucks.  Second of all I was tired and in ill health.  But the reason I was so pissed off was that these assholes showed up in the first place.  If the line didn’t form until the store opened at 5 I could’ve gotten two extra hours sleep.  Furthermore if they didn’t show up till 8 everybody wins.  Typically these sales only last till 1 o’clock anyway, so why not just start it when it isn’t goddamned dark out?

It’s become fashionable in recent years to blame the stores for the increased incidents of violence and trampling.  I don’t like the 5AM start time, but I know what corporations are and what they want: money.  I don’t begrudge them for it, it’s their nature; it’d be like getting mad at a zombie for trying to eat brains.  I do take issue with people that should have a brain between there ears trampling each other to death like fricking monsters.

Oh shit! Zombies!

Fuck! They've breached the perimeter.

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