Favorite Video Games: Doom/Doom 2 (PC) 1993 and 1994

Am I the only one that feels like sweet box art died out with landlines and VHS tapes?

Doom and Doom 2 were probably my hands-down favorite videogames from the time I acquired them in the 5^th grade or so to my first year of college.  Technically I would say that Doom2 was my real favorite, but if I did’t mention Doom I couldn’t to talk about the games’ historical significance, cultural impact, etc.  Anyway, I got both games around the same time, and aside from a few minor details they’re pretty much the same game.  So I now present to you the first DOUBLE VIDEO GAME REVIEW!  That’s just one review about two games (kinda.)

Doom (PC) 1993/Doom II (PC) 1994

If only real life was as easy as a videogame.

Aside from being one of my favorite games you can make a pretty strong argument that Doom was the most influential first-person-shooter of all time.  In fact up until around 1997 first person shooters were typically called “Doom Clones.”  The term was pretty accurate too, most of the “Doom Clones” coming out around the time were just “Doom in the Old West,” “Star Wars Doom,” or simply “Doom on a different space station than the one in Doom.”  This is partially due to the fact that many of those games actually licensed Doom’s engine, and partially due to the fact that to this day most game designers are fucking hacks.

"Gloom" not not be confused with "Boom," or "Loom: A Weaver's Tale"

Doom is essentially a refinement of the “shoot monsters/find keys/ find exit” formula established in Wolfenstein 3D.  Doom replaced Nazis with demons, and instead of a knife you get a fucking chainsaw.  In Doom you could also go upstairs and downstairs, which may not sound that exciting to all but the most dedicated of Slinky enthusiasts; however adding the ability to move up and down as well as side to side, not to mention varying light levels, non-perpendicular walls and stereo sound allowed the designers build levels that were way more interesting and complex than those seen in the likes of Blakestone 3D.  Speaking of complex, how about that movie Inception?  Why was Lo Pan living in that dude’s brain?  Talk about confusing.

Maybe he was looking for a girl with green eyes?

The graphics were pretty fucking awesome too.  It seems quaint now, but I can still remember looking out the window in the first level (E1M1) at the mountains.  I had never seen graphics like that in a videogame before.  It looked (kinda) like (pixilated) real life mountains.  The graphics may be outdated, but I think they hold up pretty well.  They certainly look better than early polygon based graphics from the mid to late 90’s.  Talk about shitty.  I know it “was the future of gaming,” but we didn’t live in the future in 1997.  Now that we do, we can all agree that women’s breasts look better when they’re not jagged and pointy, like a bunch of glass triangles smashed into a boob shape.

These boobs on the other hand, look great. At least they would if she'd just move her fucking hand.

One of Doom’s best features is probably the one that left the biggest impression on the FPS genre: the deathmatch.  Doom was the first FPS that allowed players to go head to head and try to kill each other.  It was awesome, because killing people is awesome.  I used to stay up all night playing Doom LAN games with my cousins.  (Personally, I preferred using the desktop to the laptop, because it had better controls; although it was much easier to screen look with the laptop.)  Doom deathmatch was so popular at the time that companies even wrote programs like “antidoom” to shut down games on company servers.  Today deathmatch is easily a bigger part of the FPS genre than the single player campaigns.  I think it’s safe to say that 14-year-olds wouldn’t be able to hurl homophobic slurs at each other while playing video games across the world wide internets if Doom hadn’t paved the way almost 20 years earlier.

Cutting edge

Computer piracy is a crime (a sexy crime!)

And there it is the exact moment in my video game review where I start to feel really fucking old.  If you want to play Doom or Doom 2, both can be found relatively easy if you’re willing to resort to piracy (Arr!)  If you manage to get the game or already have it lying around somewhere ZDoom is an excellent front-end program that adds extra features like mouselook, and more importantly ZDoom allows Doom and Doom 2 to be played on a modern PC.  Both Dooms are also available in the recent Doom3 re-release and in the X-Box marketplace, although only the downloadable version for the 360 offers internet deathmatch support.  Just don’t play a bunch of Doom and shoot up your high school.  I know it seems obvious, but I wouldn’t have said anything about it if it hadn’t come up before.  Too soon?   

"This game's so fun I'm going to shoot up my school...?"  Hard to believe people were that sick before the internet

The programmers for Doom were inspired by Evil Dead II and Aliens.

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Camo Black Extra

What a babe, too bad we can't see her because of all the camouflage.

 The most common question I get asked when I tell people about my blog is “what’s the worst beer you’ve ever had?”  As the internet’s premier bottomshelf beer reviewer it’s my duty to provide a satisfactory answer.  Keystone Light?  Don’t make me laugh.  Icehouse?  I know girls that drink Icehouse.  Steel Reserve?  I’ve had worse.  When I discovered Camo Black Extra, weighing in at an appalling 12.2%ABV, I was filled with a mixture of satisfaction and dread.  Camo Black Extra provides a means to achieve my purpose, but at what cost?  Well, most likely at the cost of me drinking it.  Ughh.  Maybe it’s a diamond in the rough?

My quest to find the world's shittiest beer: definitely, one of the pitfalls of this blog.

Forget what I said about Lime-A-Rita having the stupidest name, Camo Black Extra takes the cake.  I have no idea what it means or what they are even trying to invoke.  I guess it sounds kind of like one of those condoms they sell in bathroom vending machines, the kind with vibrating beads or flavor crystals.  All of the exxxxxtra X’s on the can don’t exactly dissuade this notion either.  It's a really obtuse name.  In fact, if you offered me a Camo Black Extra I would assume you were trying to pull some sort of PEN15/”hurts donut” schoolyard prank, and I’d tap you in the beanbag before you could flick drops of pee in my eye or sketch a throbbing dong on my forehead.  I certainly wouldn’t think you were talking about a beer.

"Camo Black Exxxtra, Sensual Pharaoh, or the the torn label with a picture of a gorilla on it?" 

Quality Stuff

The can promises that Camo Black Extra is 12.2%ABV, making the 24oz can roughly equivalent to an entire 6 pack of Keystone Light.  Since I hate going to the bathroom every ten fucking seconds this would seem to solve a lot of my beer related problems; however I’ve learned through experience to be wary of beers that advertise their alcohol content as a major selling point.  Most 8% beers are vomit inducingly gross, and 12.2% is starting to movie beyond “high gravity” into the low end of the cheap booze/fortified wine range.  If you think Camo Black Extra is starting to sound like something you’d expect to see pouring down the rotten mouth of a skid row wino you’re going to feel pretty fucking stupid in a couple of seconds, because Camo Black Extra is an “Ultra Premium high gravity lager beer” made from “imported hops & extra malted barley for an extra smooth taste.”  One can’t help but wonder how they manage to use “the highest quality extra malted barley” and charge less than $2 a can.  Selling at a loss to break into the market?  Or perhaps it was just “Customer Appreciation Day” at that dodgy liquor store in the bad part of town?  Who can say?

It has no smell, which-

I was going to finish that sentence, “I take as a good sign,” but then I took a sip.  My initial reaction was similar to the time I accidentally drank curdled milk.  My body shuddered angrily, like my digestive system was not only self-aware, but also actively hated me.  It got a little better after the first few sips, in the sense that it stopped triggering my gag reflex.  That doesn’t mean it tasted any better.  Before tasting Camo Black Extra I had actually made a gentleman’s bet with myself to finish the whole can no matter how bad it tasted.  I lost, which is to say I won.  It was like the end of War Games, the only way to win was not to play; however unlike the end of Wargames I lost the bet and had to give myself a blowjob.     

They also could've played bloody knuckles, as anyone that's ever gotten drunk in a redneck bar has learned to their displeasure.

Camo Black Extra is without the slightest doubt in my mind the worst beer I’ve ever drank.  It’s really sugary but at the same time super sour kind of like an Atomic Warhead candy.  It’s got hints of rotten apple flavor, with acrid chemical notes, and boy howdy can you taste the alcohol.  I’ve never needed a chaser for a beer before.  Hell, I drink whiskey right out of the bottle.  It tastes exactly like someone poured Thunderbird and Skol into Gameday Ice.  Shit’s gross.   If the taste is gross the aftertaste is somehow much worse.  The aftertaste is akin to getting sprayed in the mouth with Windex, putting a handful of pennies under your tongue, or watching The Doom Generation: the initial experience is only matched be the terribleness of how you feel afterwards.

You see Rose McGowan's tits in the Doom Generation, but that momentary pleasure is ruined when a dude eats his own fucking cum three seconds later.  Oh, and then the rest of the movie happens...Ick.

Camo Black Extra may not be rock bottom, but if the base of the bottomshelf beer rabbit hole is much deeper than this I’m not sure I want to find it.  The important thing for you, the reader, to take from all of this is that Camo Black Extra is really fucking bad.  I’ve heard what panhandlers make, and honestly there’s no reason to drink this stuff unless you’re me and you need to find absolute zero on the bottomshelf beer scale.  Of course if you’re me, then I’m you and I’m at your house having sex with your wife!

Your wife (I hope!!!)

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Bud Light Lime-A-Rita

"What is Bud Light Lime-A-Rita you assk?"

Bud Light Lime-A-Rita, is quite possibly the stupidest named “beer” I’ve reviewed so far and that’s saying a lot.  Most reviews of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita I’ve sifted through so far treat it like an actual beer.  They talk of “head retention,” “nose,” and other things serious beer reviewers talk about when referring to things like foam and smell.  The earlier quotation marks around the word beer were no accident; if there’s any beer in this stuff I can’t taste it.  This makes me sad.  I certainly wouldn’t have bought the stuff if it didn’t say “Bud Light” on the damned box, but I think it’s a waste of my time and yours to pretend Bud Light Lime-A-Rita is anything other than what it is, so what is it?

I spent many a "Couples Skate" hiding in the bathroom

It is first and foremost sugary.  At the Oak Lawn Roller Rink they used to sell a drink called a “Smurf” which was uncut Sno-Cone syrup served on the rocks.  I personally never had the money for a Lime flavored Smurf, but I can now hazard a guess what it tasted like.  This stuff is too sweet, and that’s coming from someone that used to literally eat Pixie Stix and Mountain Dew for lunch.  (In case you’re wondering I stopped eating Pixie Stix by the bag when I was 19 years old and my dentist told me I had the mouth of a middle aged man.)  If on the other hand you find circus peanuts and candy corn tart Bud Light Lime-A-Rita might be right up your alley, and my hat goes off to you.  I used to think people that drank malt beverages like Mike’s Hard, Smirnoff Ice, and BLLaR were pussies that couldn’t handle beer, but if they can deal with the heartburn and diabetes brought on by their drink(s) of choice they’re a lot tougher than me.

Tougher than Sarah Connor

"TRY IT VITH ICE!"

The can suggests, nay commands, that I try Bud Light Lime-A-Rita over ice, and just to let you know that they’re fucking serious they wrote it in all caps and added an exclamation point.  Keep your shirt on, asshole.  The ice certainly helps but it’s still feels like gingivitis in a can.  This stuff is 8% ABV, but I made a command decision and added 2oz of tequila to the 8oz can.  It’s pretty good now, still a little sweet, but now it tastes more like a real margarita and less like I’m snorting pure cane sugar through a Twizzler.  It probably tastes closer to a can of Mountain Dew mixed with tequila than a real margarita, but it’s a step in the right direction.  (Must try mixing Mountain Dew with tequila.) 

Now I know why they chose a drunken hillbilly as their mascot

The can refers to BLLaR as a “margarita with a twist.”  A twist of what exactly?  Less alcohol?  8%ABV is pretty high when it comes to beer, but not mixed drinks, at least the way I drink them.  Of course, my testicles have descended.  The can also says “Bud Light," which is even more curious than their demand that I “TRY IT WITH ICE!”  The can says “Bud” even though it contains seemingly no beer, and says “Light” despite the fact that an 8oz can contains 220 calories.  Bud Light only has 110 calories in a 12oz can, which means that the ‘Rita is double the calories of a regular Bud Light in a can that’s a third smaller.  I’m not great with math, but I think that means drinking even a moderate amount of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita will make you fucking fat.  I would say that the “BL” in BLLaR is disingenuous to say the least.

"Too much Bud Light Lime-A-Rita."

Years ago, I saw Crispin Glover’s Willard remake in the theater.  At the end of the film a patron in front of me complained that it was the “worst movie ever.”  To which I countered that he “must have seen a different movie than me.  I saw the one about a guy with an army of rats.”  That’s what the preview said the movie was about and on that promise the film certainly delivered.  Bud Light Lime-A-Rita is a beer-less, lime flavored, sugar rush in a can, which I should have seen coming when I bought the stuff.  My bad.  The only things I can really take them to task for are the high price (12.99 for 12 8oz cans WTF?) and the astronomically high calorie content in their “light” drink.  Oh well, time to buy a singlet and start lifting weights to burn off those extra Cal-o-ritas.

Sumthin' for the ladies.  In case you're wondering I'm the black guy in the middle.

And sumthin' for the guys...

Laura Elena Harring was in Willard. Hubbah Hubbah! 

Favotie Video Games: The Warriors (PS2) 2005

Warriors come out to play-eee-ay!

Can you count suckers?  I say the future is ours if you can count, and if you can count you might have noticed that the only movies I reference more than The Warriors on this blog are Star Wars and Conan the Barbarian.  I’m not alone either; The Warriors is probably the second most sampled movie in hip-hop after Scarface, and every black dude I know has seen the movie.  This is probably due to the fact that The Warriors is fucking awesome.  It’s one of those movies that all cool people seem to like.  Rockstar games also saw fit to pay homage to the classic film with the 2005 video game aptly titled The Warriors.  Can you dig it?  CAN YOU DIG IT?!  CAN YOU DIG IT?!?  Well, I certainly hope so cause that’s what the rest of this blog post is about.

FUN FACT: All black people are cool.
What about Steve Urkel?
Fuck Steve Urkel.

The Warriors (PS2) 2005

The Warriors videogame obviously takes a lot of its cues from the film, but the gameplay is rooted in the side scolling beat ‘em ups of yesteryear; games like Final Fight, Streets of Rage, and Streets of Rage 2.  The game’s plot takes place before the events of the film, with the movie acting as a sort of an extended final level broken into different chapters.  The whole thing still feels very unified and captures the look and tone of the film perfectly.  The game is dark and violent, but like the film it never feels brutal or nihilistic.  Both take a more comic book-y approach.  People get stabbed, shot, and Molotov cockatailed, but hardly anyone actually dies.  I do remember however that when I was playing the game my mother took issue with the game’s liberal use of f-bombs (people saying FUCK), but she watched Deadwood all the time.  Oh, “that’s how cowboys really talked.”  Well that’s how gang members would really talk in a videogame version of a dystopian future as imagined in the late 1970’s.  Geez mom.    

A girl portraying the character Poison from Final Fight. 
FUN FACT: The character Poison was retconned into a tranny after it was pointed out that Final Fight's protagonists were beating the shit out of women.
FUN FACT: This cosplayer is all woman, and boob.
 

It’s also one of the best two-player co-op games in the last decade.  Other than Portal 2 it seems that videogame developers have completely forgotten the importance of playing a videogame with your little brother.  You can kick his ass in Call of Duty or whatever but eventually he’s going to get tired of getting the shit kicked out of him and refuse to play with you, forcing you take turns.  Ughh!  It’s not my fault you suck at Doom 2.  What puts The Warriors co-op mode above even Portal 2 is the ability of the second player to join and leave the game at their convenience (kind of like in Sonic 2.)  This Feature is great if you’re anything like me and you have to go to the bathroom all the time.  Maybe I should see a doctor.

"Quit being such a bitch.  Where are you going?... Don't tell mom I said bitch."

I mentioned playing videogames with my younger brother because this game was an important bonding experience for us.  In between viewings of the movie we each beat the game a few times co-opting large segments of the other’s play-through.  I helped my brother 100% the game, and then a couple of years later we started playing the game again and on the hard difficulty we 99%ed the game on a single play-through, meaning we didn’t replay the levels over and over to hit the various goals.  We just played the level until we got them all without consulting a walkthrough.  It’s less nerdy than it sounds.  We just had a lot more free time back then. 

The Chief from Carmen Sandiego was the radio announcer in The Warrriors film.  Finding Carmen Sandiego may not help you reach 100% but it couldn't hurt.

I’ve played The Warriors about as thoroughly as it’s possible to play a game, and I can say without a doubt that it’s one of the best video games of all time.  If you like fun check out The Warriors, if you don’t maybe consider Russian Roulette.  Unfortunately PS2 games will not play on newer versions of the PS3, and the game has not been ported anywhere else that I’m aware of so it might be kind of hard.  Playing a video game from a few years ago might be hard but fortunately in America acquiring a gun is never hard, so there’s always Russian Roulette.  Those guys in Deer Hunter looked like they were having fun, right?

Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!

Congratulations! You've captured Carmen Sandiego.  If you didn't manage to beat the game in 1986 you should know that she just fucking escapes from jail again right after you catch her and the game starts over.  Good thing you learned your state capitols.