Advice for Teens 3: Dream Warriors (2013)

Stay in school!

I haven’t sat down and read an issue of Rolling Stone in years, but as far as I know they still have celebrities write an open letter to that year’s graduating class.  I thought I'd do the same. The only difference is, I give harsh advice about the real world instead of empty platitudes.  Also I'm not a celebrity.  Check out the last two I did here and here.

Drink coffee

Coffee keeps you awake, and warms you up on a cold morning.  All real adults drink coffee.  When someone says they don’t drink coffee I assume they’re either a fucking baby or a religious weirdo.  It’s not fair, in fact it’s kind of a dick move on my part, but if “society” wants to call me an arsonist just because I start fires I’m just as entitled to my own opinion.

 

More hot coffee

If you can juggle, please juggle

It’s happened at least two or three times in my life that I’ve been talking about juggling and the person I’m talking to says, “I can juggle.”  And then they do.  As someone who can’t juggle I am always very impressed, and perplexed.  If I could juggle I would do it every time I saw three of something, and I’d earn a reputation as “the guy who juggles.”  Why do they keep it a secret?  And why do people that run marathons never shut the fuck up about it? I can picture myself training and finishing a marathon, but juggling?  Forget it.  If you can juggle you owe it to yourself and the world to share your gift.  Same goes for those of you that can ride a unicycle, walk on your hands, or play the drums.

Too fucking cool for words

If you know karate keep it to yourself

Conversely, no one likes a braggart.  If you keep talking about how crazy-good you are at fighting someone is going to take you up on it.  If your hoping that informing others of your martial skills will stop fights before they start you’d do a lot better to tell people you fight dirty.  Lots of dudes are willing to try their luck against a self-proclaimed badass, but no one wants to fight someone that pulls hair and gouges eyes.  Besides, it’s better to surprise your opponent and as Confucious say, “let your fists do the talking.”

A ninja of the American persausion

Those so-called “Nigerian Princes” that send you e-mails are probably just regular black dudes

That being said, you should probably send them some money.  You wouldn’t want word to get around that you’re a racist, would you?  Also, by the law of averages one of those guys has to be telling the truth.

X-Ray Vision > Invisibility

A common hypothetical question is “if you could have one super power what would it be?”  Personally I’d go with invulnerability, but a lot of people say “invisibility,” which is kind of a dead giveaway that you’re a pervert.  Don’t these people realize you can just wait for a girl to fall asleep and take her clothes off?  I’m joking of course, but it’s just as creepy.  You have to turn invisible, get naked, sneak into a girls house and wait for God knows how long to see her naked?  And what if it’s cold outside?  With X-ray vision you can take a discreet peek in broad daylight and no one would be the wiser as long as you carry a book around to hide your boner.  The only answer creepier than invisibility is mind control.

Put on the glasses

Be on time

If there’s one thing punctual people hate it’s people that don’t fucking show up on time.  Don’t give your boss a stupid reason to fire you.  Give them a really good reason and burn the place to the ground.    

"I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE!!!"

Let people call you whatever they want

I don’t know how to get cool nicknames like “Pussy Slayer,” “Stone Cold” or “Bo Jackson” but I do know that the best way to end up with something shitty is to flip out when someone calls you “Buttstink.”  Also, if your name is Jonathan and someone calls you John or Johnny don’t correct them for not using your full fucking Christian name.  It’s a bigger faux pas than the coffee thing I mentioned earlier, you look like an asshole, and if you don’t like the name Johnny people might decide you’d like the name Buttstink more, especially if you have a stinky butt.  Also, shower regularly.

Or Stinkbutt as the case may be

Add some sour cream to your nachos

I didn’t try it till I was like 20 and I gotta say I was missing out.  My biggest regret in life is not putting sour cream on my nachos sooner.  Don’t make the same mistake I did.

Bottomshelf Beer: Protips & Helpful Hints

I’ve been drinking pretty regularly since I was 17.  I like to think I’ve learned a thing or two since then; for example I don’t drink Icehouse anymore.  Recently I’ve noticed that the internet was full of something called “lifehacking,” which seems to be a really stupid name for what used to be called “helpful hints.”  Never the one to pass up an internet trend , I present these helpful hints, for the conscientious beer drinker…

Speaking of internet trends, remember the Harlem Shake?  

 Keep a beer koozy in your pocket

If you’re anything like me you’re always ready to drink, but are you prepared?  Keeping a beer koozy in your pocket ensures that no matter what situation you find yourself in, it will take slightly longer for your beer to get warm.  This is a definite bonus if you’re the kind of guy that loudly explains the plot of Roadhouse to people who’ve already seen the movie, but don’t appreciate it on the same level you do. Plus it’s kind of cool to be the only guy in the bar, at the ballgame, or in the unemployment office parking lot who thought to bring a beer koozy.  And it lets ladies know you’re the kind of guy that…keeps a beer koozy in his pocket.  Also carry a condom, because you’re gonna need it,  STUD!

Let alcohol be your anti-drug

Drugs are illegal, and anyway no one likes a hippie.  Anytime you feel tempted or peer-pressured to smoke a “jazz cigarette” just reach for an ice cold LacrosseLager instead.  Some have countered that marijuana unlike alcohol is not physically addictive; well neither is jacking off, but try going one day without peeling one off.  Like masturbation, drinking is harmless fun, which is why you can find positive references to it in the texts of every major religion (every cool one that is.)  As a side note: raves and jam band concerts are pretty much the worst things in the world.  Anything that would make those activities “fun” is fucking wrong.

'Nuff said?

Get super drunk

For centuries men have been using alcohol to lower the inhibitions of the fairer sex.  What I’m advocating is a total role reversal.  Instead of feeding that college freshman shots in tandem, drink them yourself!  I find that I am more confident and boisterous after I’ve “had a few.”  Maybe you can parlay that into a little sumthin’ sumthin’ (I never did.)  Even if you don’t get laid, at least you’ll be drunk and you probably won’t give a shit, or you’ll end up crying in your beer.  Hilarious!

I don't know if this guy is gonna get laid or not, but I can pretty much guarantee he doesn't care one way or the other

Your cellphone is a tool

Waiting in line for the bathroom is for ladies, so if I have to take a piss I go outside.  Unfortunately, pissing outside is socially unacceptable and can easily lead to a drunk and disorderly ticket.  I get around these problems by pretending to make a call on my cell phone.  Instead of focusing on the fact that you definitely didn’t wash your hands after you took a piss, people assume you were courteous enough to make your phone call outside.  Also, if you learn to take your dick out and piss hands free, you can really sell the talking on a cell phone pantomime and most pedestrians and cops will be none the wiser.

"Honestly officer, I was talking on my cellphone...wait a minute.  Aren't you Christopher Guest?"

“I never turn down a shot”

That simple phrase is your ticket to free drinks.  If you let people know early and often that you “never turn down a shot” they will be much more inclined to buy them for you.  Be warned: this tactic may not cost a lot of money, but you will definitely pay.  Oftentimes, the free shots your so-called friends buy you will be disgusting (e.g. prairie fire, cement mixers, or malort) or embarrassing (e.g. blowjob shots.)  Worse still they will often buy you these shots when you’re already on the verge of throwing up or at least on the verge of not knowing that you’ll look like a total poof if you take a whipped crème shot off the bar using only your lips.

Body shot: NEVER INCLUDED!

Drink a beer in the shower

We can all agree that drinking beer in a hot tub is the bee’s knees.  Unfortunately, I don’t own a hot tub and

Or take a beer shower

most hot tubs available to the public have pretty specific rules pertaining to the consumption of alcohol and wearing a fucking bathing suit like it’s the 1890’s or something.  So I do the next best thing: shower beer.  It’s relaxing and refreshing.  Even if you do own a hot tub you probably don’t want to pee in it, which you’ll certainly want to do after drinking three or four beers.  In the shower there are two types of people: people that pee in the shower and people that lie about peeing in the shower.  You’re secret is safe with me!

Stay cool everybody. 

A smart person clearly following my advice