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| What a babe, too bad we can't see her because of all the camouflage. |
The most common question I get asked when I tell
people about my blog is “what’s the worst beer you’ve ever had?” As the internet’s premier bottomshelf beer
reviewer it’s my duty to provide a satisfactory answer. Keystone Light? Don’t make me laugh. Icehouse?
I know girls that drink Icehouse. Steel Reserve? I’ve had worse. When I discovered Camo Black Extra, weighing
in at an appalling 12.2%ABV, I was filled with a mixture of satisfaction and
dread. Camo Black Extra provides a means
to achieve my purpose, but at what cost?
Well, most likely at the cost of me drinking it. Ughh.
Maybe it’s a diamond in the rough?
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| My quest to find the world's shittiest beer: definitely, one of the pitfalls of this blog. |
Forget what I said about Lime-A-Rita having the
stupidest name, Camo Black Extra takes the cake. I have no idea what it means or what they are
even trying to invoke. I guess it sounds kind
of like one of those condoms they sell in bathroom vending machines, the kind
with vibrating beads or flavor crystals.
All of the exxxxxtra X’s on the can don’t exactly dissuade this notion
either. It's a really obtuse name. In fact, if you offered me a Camo Black
Extra I would assume you were trying to pull
some sort of PEN15/”hurts donut” schoolyard prank, and I’d tap you in the
beanbag before you could flick drops of pee in my eye or sketch a throbbing
dong on my forehead. I certainly
wouldn’t think you were talking about a beer.
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| "Camo Black Exxxtra, Sensual Pharaoh, or the the torn label with a picture of a gorilla on it?" |
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| Quality Stuff |
The can promises that Camo Black Extra is
12.2%ABV, making the 24oz can roughly equivalent to an entire 6 pack of
Keystone Light. Since I hate going to
the bathroom every ten fucking seconds this would seem to solve a lot of my
beer related problems; however I’ve learned through experience to be wary of
beers that advertise their alcohol content as a major selling point. Most 8% beers are vomit inducingly gross, and
12.2% is starting to movie beyond “high gravity” into the low end of the cheap
booze/fortified wine range. If you think
Camo Black Extra is starting to sound like something you’d expect to see pouring
down the rotten mouth of a skid row wino you’re going to feel pretty fucking
stupid in a couple of seconds, because Camo Black Extra is an “Ultra Premium high gravity lager beer”
made from “imported hops & extra malted barley for an extra smooth
taste.” One can’t help but wonder how
they manage to use “the highest quality extra malted barley” and charge less
than $2 a can. Selling at a loss to
break into the market? Or perhaps it was
just “Customer Appreciation Day” at that dodgy liquor store in the bad part of
town? Who can say?
It has no smell, which-
I was going to finish that sentence, “I take as a
good sign,” but then I took a sip. My
initial reaction was similar to the time I accidentally drank curdled milk. My body shuddered angrily, like my digestive
system was not only self-aware, but also actively hated me. It got a little better after the first few
sips, in the sense that it stopped triggering my gag reflex. That doesn’t mean it tasted any better. Before tasting Camo Black Extra I had
actually made a gentleman’s bet with myself to finish the whole can no matter
how bad it tasted. I lost, which is to
say I won. It was like the end of War
Games, the only way to win was not to play; however unlike the end of Wargames
I lost the bet and had to give myself a blowjob.
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| They also could've played bloody knuckles, as anyone that's ever gotten drunk in a redneck bar has learned to their displeasure. |
Camo Black Extra is without the slightest doubt in
my mind the worst beer I’ve ever drank. It’s really sugary but at the same time super
sour kind of like an Atomic Warhead candy.
It’s got hints of rotten apple flavor, with acrid chemical notes, and
boy howdy can you taste the alcohol.
I’ve never needed a chaser for a beer before. Hell, I drink whiskey right out of the
bottle. It tastes exactly like someone
poured Thunderbird and Skol into Gameday Ice.
Shit’s gross. If the taste is gross
the aftertaste is somehow much worse.
The aftertaste is akin to getting sprayed in the mouth with Windex,
putting a handful of pennies under your tongue, or watching The Doom
Generation: the initial experience is only matched be the terribleness of how
you feel afterwards.
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| You see Rose McGowan's tits in the Doom Generation, but that momentary pleasure is ruined when a dude eats his own fucking cum three seconds later. Oh, and then the rest of the movie happens...Ick. |
Camo Black Extra may not be rock bottom, but if the
base of the bottomshelf beer rabbit hole is much deeper than this I’m not sure
I want to find it. The important thing
for you, the reader, to take from all of this is that Camo Black Extra is
really fucking bad. I’ve heard what
panhandlers make, and honestly there’s no reason to drink this stuff unless
you’re me and you need to find absolute zero on the bottomshelf beer
scale. Of course if you’re me, then I’m
you and I’m at your house having sex with your wife!
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| Your wife (I hope!!!) |
