Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Big Hurt Beer

"I'll shove that bat up your ass and turn you into a Popsicle."

I love drinking beer and watching baseball, and if you don’t I’m going to go ahead and call you un-American.  People that don’t like baseball are the same weirdos who say “you only need to watch the last five minutes of a basketball game” and “soccer players are tougher than football players because they don’t wear pads.”  I hate those people.  If I was President we’d burn those bastards like witches.  As a baseball loving patriot and cheap beer enthusiast I was happy to discover that one of my favorite players from my youth, Frank “the Big Hurt” Thomas, had created his own Big Hurt beer.

Frank Thomas frozen in carbonite

Regular readers of this blog and people that know me in real life are well aware of my fealty to the Chicago White Sox.  Some of my happiest memories and drunkest experiences  center around my favorite team.  I’ll never forget the riot at Illinois State University when the White Sox won the 2005 World Championship.  If you look close enough to the video on youtube you can spot a jean jacketed Danny O’D running through the crowd screaming like a moron.  As impressive as the riot was, the youtube recommended videos revealed that the ISU student body riots kind of regularly.  The most recent riot being a celebration of the death of Osama bin Laden.  An event I find absolutely shameful.  How can you celebrate the death of another human being?  Just kidding.  Killing terrorists is awesome.  

Yippie ki-yay motherfucker.

Big Hurt Pinball

World Series victories are also awesome, but I think teams are defined by their fanbase and their players.  Philadelphia fans routinely assault the fans of visiting teams and fucking throw batteries at people; not coincidentally their Quarterback Ron Mexico (AKA Michael Vick) knowingly gave a woman herpes.  For a decade and a half the White Sox were defined by Frank Thomas.  He retired with a .301 average, 521 homeruns, 2 AL MVPs, 2,468 hits, 4 Silver Slugger Awards, 1,704 RBIs, a pinball machine, a SNES video game, and a guest spot in NBA Jam.  That might not make much sense to you if you don’t follow baseball (or know what a pinball machine is) but he was really good.  Even if you understand baseball statistics, the stat line doesn’t tell the whole story.  It can’t.  A player like Frank Thomas, Walter Payton, or Michael Jordan has to be seen to be believed.  I'm just glad I was fortunate enough to be a kid in the southwest suburbs during Big Frank’s best years.

Unfortunately, it’s hard to find a goddamned clip of the Big Hurt popping dingers without the express written consent of Major League Baseball, and I refuse on general principle to link one of those seizure inducing cellphone videos of a television broadcast.  Here’s the intro to the SNES classic Big Hurt Baseball.  
 

It’s a curious move to say the least that a player as legendary as Frank Thomas would create a bottomshelf beer.  I don’t know what I’d do if I was a famous millionaire, I guess I’d still drink beer and watch Conan the Barbarian, but I’d wear a tuxedo(?).  In any case, I don’t know if I’d be trying to break into the well saturated bottomshelf beer market.  Typically when a rich famous person decides they want to take a break from eating caviar and screwing girls with perfect skin they devote their beer endorsing talents to one of the major brewers or their own line of craft beer, which makes sense: instead of competing with Miller Lite carve out your own niche market or just let the bastards pay you.  With that in mind, it’s seems like Frank Thomas said, “fuck all that, this shit is 7% alcohol.  Let’s get drunk.”

Jenny McCarthy is kind of a dummy, but she's also a Sox fan and without her this article would have a lot less babes than usual

 At this point most beer reviewers would write about Sox fans’ “blue collar” or “working class” background.  Personally I think the fictitious class divide between the North and Southside teams is kind of played out, so I’ll talk just talk a little bit about Big Hurt Beer.  It has kind of a mechanical fruity smell, kind of like what I imagine an actual clockwork orange would smell like.  But does the taste hurt? (Sorry folks, the pun was absolutely unavoidable.  I’m as ashamed as you are.)  You can taste all of the 7% alcohol, at least on the first sip.  By the second sip I thought it was alright.  It tasted kind of fruity at first, but that sensation also faded as I journeyed to the bottom of the can. The aftertaste was really strong, similar the feeling you get after you drink coffee, eat black licorice, or smoke a cigar.  That’s not to say it’s bad, quite the contrary in fact, and if you like strong flavors you might want to give Big Hurt Beer a try.  At 7% you might want to try it anyway.  It might not be as palatable as some beers, but at least it gets you drunk quicker.

That might not be the ringingest endorsement that I’ve ever given, but I left out the best part:  Big Hurt Beer is on tap at Comiskey Park (U.S. Cellular Field).  If you’re anything like me you sometimes have a tough time getting drunk by the 7^th inning, and as one of the loudest fans in the ballpark the extra point and a half of alcohol BHB provides could be the difference between kind of letting the visiting center fielder know what you think about him and REALLY letting him know what you think of him, his haircut and his sister.  That’s what the pros call a game changer. Big Hurt Beer is Danny tested and Frank Thomas approved.   

Your hero getting ready for the big game

Favorite Video Games: GTA Vice City (PS2) 2002

Personally I prefer the PS2

Lame.

It’s unfortunate that most of the things people “like” about the 80’s are either ironic (sigh) or tinted by the rose colored glasses of youth.   My Little Pony, Saved by the Bell, Def Leppard, and Top Gun all sucked then and suck even worse now.  That list doesn’t even include things too lame to enjoy ironically like apartheid in South Africa or Anthony Michael Hall as a regular cast member on SNL.  All that being said, I enjoyed being a kid in the 1980’s. I didn’t have a whole lot of responsibilities, hell I didn’t even have to wipe my own ass for a few years there.  And all the stupid bullshit of the era is more than balanced out by awesome things like Naked Raygun, Robocop 2, Iron Maiden, the fall of the Berlin Wall, the ’85 Bears and Centipede.   

I don’t mean to sound like I’m knocking nostalgia either.  No matter how shitty things may have been in the past, they’re still comforting because your memories are part of you and your experiences make you who you are.  If it was up to me I would have been nailing cheerleaders and doing sick karate moves when I was 14 instead of playing SEGA, and bitching about how much I hated everyone in my Junior High.  In retrospect I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything, except maybe the ability to get all the pee out of my dick before I put it back in my pants.  How do people wear khakis?  Anyway, since we’re on the subject of nostalgia…

Vice City (PS2) 2002

I think nostalgia is a big part of Vice City’s appeal to most people.  Other than Weekend at Bernie’s, it’s hard to imagine a piece of media that evokes the feel of the 1980’s more than Vice City.  For the most part the game presents itself as a larger than life caricature of the era rather than a Wedding Singer style 80’s wankfest, or a Weeknd at Bernie’s style 80’s piece of shit.  The game is like a larger than life version of Scarface (1983) crossed with Miami Vice (1984.) In fact, the credits sequence for Miami Vice could almost be a credits sequence for Vice City except for the Jai Alai player.  For a show that tried to be hip and of the time, that guys seemed kind of out of place.  Almost 30 years later Jai Alai remains as popular as ever, which is to say not at all.  Also why do minorities like Scarface so much?

I know you're a gangster, but do you really need a Tony Montana toilet?

Vice City’s soundtrack is also great, and it evokes the mood of the era better than any photograph or Ken Burns documentary ever could.  While most 80’s musical retrospectives focus on one genre; bad music from the 80’s (e.g. Cyndi Lauper, Poison, Duran Duran, Thomas Dolby, The fucking Go-Go’s.)   The Vice City soundtrack has some crappy songs, but paints with a broader brush and uses old school hip-hop, new wave, heavy metal, and everything in between to paint a picture of the decade.  Many of the songs featured are little lesser known, probably in an effort to save money, but I think it serves the game well.  While artists like Madonna and Prince certainly defined music in the 80’s their careers continue on to this day and much of their respective catalogs are considered classic.  On the other hand, The Vice City soundtrack features Gold by Spandau Ballet.  Gold makes Frankie Goes to Hollywood look like Judas Priest.  That is to say the song is so wimpy and lame it could not possibly be a hit in any decade but the 1980’s.

Aside from the soundtrack, Vice City is my favorite entry in the GTA series because it improves on GTA3, without getting serious and “realistic” (tedious) like its sequels San Andreas and GTA4.  I’m not a total loser, so I don’t get a lot out of getting virtual drunk and playing darts with my imaginary girlfriend.  I don’t look to GTA to give me some sort of Maxim interview* style girlfriend fantasy.  I look to GTA to provide a consequence free environment to sell cocaine, wreck sports cars, murder hookers, and all the other things I’ll never do in real life.  On that level Vice City never disappoints.  I played the shit out of this game in college and I can’t think about it without getting all nostalgic for the brief time when I had nothing to do but drink beer and play video games to the wee hours of the night.

All the fun of maybe getting laid, except for the part where you get to ya' know...cum

Looking at the date I just realized this game came out 10 years ago.  I’m getting old.  I wonder if the 1980’s will seem as weird and distant to my kids as the 50’s seem to me.  I don’t know.  I just hope they port Vice City to a modern platform so they might be able to get at least a little taste of, if not the 80’s at least the early 2000’s.  It would be a shame if they have to learn about hooker murder from a stranger.

"Hurry up and grab the $60 before it disappears.  You didn't kill those women for nothing. Son"

*I hate how Maxim asks Jennifer Love Hewitt or whoever “What do you look for in a guy?” or “What’s your idea of a perfect date?”  No one reading that interview is ever going to fuck Jennifer Love Hewitt so who gives a fuck?  “OMG! She says she loves a guy with a good sense of humor! I’m buying a ticket to Hollywood!”  Ideally you could ask her about sexual positions or any bisexual experiences she may have had, but at least ask something relevant.  She’s not a Rhodes Scholar but you could ask her about some funny anecdotes from the set of I Know What You Did Last Summer, or some other movie she was in.  Does she still work?

JLH from April 2012's Maxim.  As far as I can remember she hasn't been in a movie for at least ten years

 

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Natty Daddy

My father, myself, and Mr. Snowman

When I was born my father looked at my mother and said, “one day he’ll grow up to run the internet’s premier cheap beer review blog.”  Since it’s Father’s Day, I thought I’d honor my father by dedicating my review of Natty Daddy beer to him.  I bought Natty Daddy a few months ago in anticipation of Father’s Day because of the name.  This shit is 8% alcohol.  This is going to be painful.  I really love my dad. 

"The Orphans ain't got no dad! Also don't I kinda look like David Schwimmer?"

My dad’s not a huge drinker, but he did teach me a few very important lessons about drinking.  First of all, you don’t need to drink to have a good time.  There are plenty of other things that are even more fun, like crushing your enemy, see them driven before you and hearing the lamentations of the women; that and sex.  Also he told me that people with a real drinking problem have to stop drinking, a thought I find unbearable.  How would I get to sleep?

I guess I could just watch Pink Floyd's "The Wall." *YAWN* ZZZZZzzzzzz....

Just a few more Mike's Hards and this party is going to get buck wild.

Natty Daddy is an odd name for a beer.  Other than a Father’s day inspired bottomshelf blog post I don’t think anyone would purchase it because of the name.  Natty Daddy smells like beer but it certainly tastes like it’s 8% alcohol.  Your younger sister’s friends would send back the Ten-High and Coke you mixed them if it tasted this strong.  There is definitely a harsh chemical/cheap alcoholness to the aftertaste, but otherwise it tastes like beer.  It’s not good but at least it gets you drunk quicker.  I could see slamming a tallboy of Natty Daddy after I was already six or seven beer into the night to push myself into the “fun zone.”  The “fun zone” is when I fall asleep watching Conan the Barbarian and wake up when I spill beer on myself.  Fun stuff.   

Unlike Conan most of my adventures involve waking up to the DVD menu.

Actually, now that I’m halfway through this can the chemical taste is less pronounced.  This shit is fucking awesome.  I’m going to dub Natty Daddy the thinking man’s high gravity beer, because I’ve always wanted to use that phrase and I can’t think of a better use than in regards to a beer designed to get you shit-housed as quickly as possible.  Also, notice that I said “beer.”  Natty Daddy doesn’t seem to be marketing itself as a “Malt Liquor.”  I guess they want more white people to drink it.  The double boomerangs under the 8% on the side of the can are another dead giveaway.  White people love Crocodile Dundee.  I don’t remember if my dad does, but I’m pretty sure he’s seen the film and he’s certainly white, as is 92% of Australia. FUN FACT: My dad is not Australian.

However the Lord Humungous IS Australian.  FUN FACT: Humungous rules the Wasteland!

Like my father Anheuser-Busch is not Australian, they’re German Americans.  While no one has ever accused der Germans of lacking conviction, it’s nice to see that Anheuser-Busch claimed Natty Daddy as their own.  Typically alcohol makers try to distance themselves from the shit they make to get you drunk as quickly and cheaply as possible, for example the “Steel Brewing Company” that makes disgusting Steel Reserve is actually MillerCoors in disguise.  Personally, I think that kind of crap is pompous and hypocritical.  They’re more than happy to take the money from college kids, hobos, trailer trash, winos, carnies, drunks, drifters, and me but they don’t want to be associated with us.  Instead we get some bullshit “drink beer to have fun but not get drunk” doublespeak.  When was the last time you even saw someone get “buzzed” or “tipsy” in a beer commercial?  It makes me sick, and I for one applaud the fine folks at Anheuser-Busch for taking ownership of a product they fucking make.  “This shit is 8% alcohol.  Fuck you we’re Anheuser-Busch.” 

Bullshit.

Fuck yeah!

It may not seem like the preceding paragraph has much to do with Father’s Day, but my dad taught me above all else to despise disingenuous hypocritical pieces of shit with no personal conviction.  On that note I must confess that Natty Daddy is a lot better than I thought it would be.  I still don’t think I’d recommend giving it to your dad for Father’s Day unless you think it would be in your dad’s wheelhouse.  Of course if your dad is the kind of guy enjoys drinking cheap high gravity beer you probably don’t know who he is, which makes the whole Father’s Day thing kind of a moot point I guess.  If you’re not a bastard I suggest showing your dad the Kate Upton “Cat Daddy” video.  It kind of sounds like Natty Daddy and it’s pretty much the best thing in the history of the internet.    

My Advice for Teens is 2 Fast 2 Furious

Best high school movie documentary ever

Every year Rolling Stone asks rock stars and other idiots what advice they have for that year’s graduating seniors.  I did one of these last year, and since it’s around graduation time again I thought I’d impart some more pearls of wisdom.  If you’re older or younger than a high school senior you still might find some wisdom in the words of a man that drinks a case of beer every week.  I assure you I'm at least as smart as what passes for a celebrity these days

Kim Kardashian: millionaire; role model; porn star

No one likes a brooding loner:  It’s easy to confuse dark and weird for deep.  I certainly did when I was at my teen angstiest.  Worse still, I thought it will make me seem mysterious and cool.  Nothing could be further from the truth; acting like a glum weirdo makes you seem as such.  Part of the problem is people like Jim Morrison.  By all accounts Jim Morrison was a pretentious drunk that wrote bad poetry, and yet 40 odd years after his death he’s still considered a sex symbol.  I don’t deny that his dark persona contributes to his lasting appeal, but Jim Morrison was also: A.) Rich B.) Famous and C.) Strikingly handsome.  Unless you got one of the three, or really just the last one I’d leave the leather pants at home.

As a point of contrast, everyone likes decidedly non-dour Bill Murray.

Say that you killed two people in self defense:  I don’t care if it’s a first date or a job interview.  There is nothing in the world cooler than killing someone in self defense, except killing two people.  Killing someone and being acquitted by the laws of God and man says that you are a badass but also chivalrous; a man of principle that is not to be trifled with.  Don’t make up an elaborate story.  In fact, the less said the better.  When pressed for details say “I just did what anyone would do” or “all I’m going to say is, I was raised to believe that a man shouldn’t hit a woman.”  Let their imagination do the work.  If you have to elaborate any more than that make sure you say that the guys you killed were white or most people get really uncomfortable.

Vigilantism is the only way to recover from the faux pas of bringing Cybill Sheperd to a porno theater

People don’t change:  If you take nothing else from this blog post take this one to heart.  The reason they make movies about people changing is because it doesn’t fucking happen.  I’ve seen people ruin their lives waiting for someone to change.  Like Cube said, “a bitch is a bitch.”  If a person is an asshole or a lying cunt there is close to a 100% that they’ll stay that way.  Avoid at all costs.  Even if the person does get help, in my experience a drunken asshole is usually still an asshole when they’re sober.  Don’t get me wrong; you can change yourself.  Self improvement and personal growth should be everyone’s highest goal: I used to spend all my money on CD’s and DVD’s, now I just steal them on the internet.  But whatever you do don’t wait for someone else to change.

Sometimes not changing is a good thing, especially when you're Snake Plissken

Some people are pretty on the inside:  Don’t be so superficial.  That nerdy girl you see everyday might actually be the hottest girl in the school.  A lot of the so-called “nerdy” girls are actually smoking hot babes in disguise.  I know it sounds hard to believe but if a girl has a smoking hot body and pretty face she just might be a knockout when she takes off her glasses and shakes her hair out of a bun.     

I know it's hard to believe but this girl is actually quite attractive

Don’t use a motorcycle in the event of a zombie apocalypse:  From Dawn of the Dead to the Walking Dead one of the iconic images of zombie movies is a man riding his motorcycle through the undead hordes, which makes sense.  In popular culture motorcycles represent the freedom of the open road, plus it’s a great excuse to wear a badass leather jacket.  There’s just one problem: two guys riding a motorcycle together look totally fruity.  Imagine you find another survivor; you’re not going to be able to ride him back to your base unless you’re okay with it looking kind of like he’s doing you in the butt.  If movies can be believed there will only be one or two decent looking chicks that survive, and the last thing you want is your awesome leather jacket taking on an unintended context.  A beige Volvo might not be sexy, but if she’s smart she’ll value you for your practicality.

Dawn of the Dead rules

Buy your girlfriend a webcam:  If you’re joining the army or going to a different school nothing will keep you closer together than being able to talk face to face every day.  Even better: your girlfriend can also put on sexy little shows for you, possibly with her roommate.  As a side bonus, if your webcam doesn’t save your relationship and you break up, you can always post the video on the internet for all the disgusting perverts out there.  Not me, I think that kind of thing is gross.

I am shocked and appalled

Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Ed Hardy Premium Beer

As Heidi Klum is fond of saying, “in fashion, one day you’re in.  And the next day you’re out.” I don’t know if that’s true, but I tend to trust pretty blondes with large breasts when it comes to fashion.  It’s served me well.  As a matter of fact, I dressed like it was 1998 until my wife took over my wardrobe around 2005.  Between that and my lengthy post about a roleplaying game you guys can probably infer that I don’t exactly have my finger on the pulse of American fashion.  I do however have my finger on the pulse of cheap American beer, and when I saw fashion designer Ed Hardy’s* beer marked down to $5 for two six-packs I dove in dick first.

Fashion plate Danny O'D wearing a shirt with a naked lady impaled though her vagina.

I may greet the world dick first, but I’m not exactly green (“green” being a synonym for “cool” in the major motion picture “The Fifth Element.”)  So I didn’t hear about Ed Hardy until I heard people making fun of Ed Hardy for being passé.  Nowadays, the only people I see that still wear Ed Hardy are obese black women and the cast of the Jersey Shore.  The former I’ll refrain from making fun of because I think most fat black women could beat the shit out of me.  The latter I’ll take a pass on because making fun of The Jersey Shore is more rubbed in the ground than making fun of Ed Hardy.  All Jay Leno has to say is “Snooki” and my grandma is in stitches, which means that a woman who lived through World War II and doesn’t trust computers is still hip enough to know that a character from a show on MTV is worthy of ridicule.**  I on the other hand, think my readers have come to expect a certain level comedy writing on this site.  Did you catch that joke earlier about jumping at things with my dick?  Hilarious.

Also, I don't care what anyone says, I think Jwoww is hot.

I don’t know if it’s a frequent topic on “This American Life” or what, but Ed Hardy, like The Jersey Shore seems to really piss a certain type of grad student person off.  For what it’s worth, I agree that an overpriced T-shirt with a picture of a tattoo of a giraffe with flaming skulls and glitter coming out of its pussy is kind of lame; I just don’t get butt-hurt over it.  Approaching Ed Hardy Premium Beer with an open mind I was happy to discover a decent beer at a lower price than Buck Range Light.  It has a light flavor with a bit of hops.  It tastes almost like one of the lighter premium beers.  Granted, I wasn’t blown away or anything, but it didn’t taste like it was fermented with dead animals floating in it, which is always a bonus.

We can all agree this sucks, but who fucking cares.

Unfortunately for Ed Hardy and his Premium Beer, the kind of person that gets their panties in a twist over Ed Hardy or the Jersey Shore is the same kind of smug asshole who reviews beer on snooty websites.  I’ve complained about that kind of elitist bullshit plenty of times, but after reading the reviews of EHPB on beeradvocate you’d think Ed Hardy was a collaborator in Nazi occupied Europe.  I do have to admit that the lack of a twist off cap comes across as kind of pretentious and leads me to believe that EHPB was originally marketed as a “craft beer,” which in addition to the abysmal reviews from the internet explains how it ended up in the discount bin next to the Polish language VHS tapes.  Especially if they were charging craft beer prices.

I don't care how cheap it is.  You should be buying beer.

I guess there aren’t enough guidos and obese black women in this part of the country willing to pay a premium price for a beer that’s only okay, but their loss is my gain.   It might not be the best beer I’ve ever had, but it’s better than a lot of what I review.  Until next time, I’ll be catching up on Project Runway.  I suggest you all do the same.  Auf wiedersehen.   

As a side note, do you think Tim Gunn and Tommy Gunn from Rocky V are related?

*If I was a gay porn star my name would be “Hard Eddie.”

**Also I don’t think that Jersey Shore is anywhere near the worst show in the history of television.  Do you guys remember Small Wonder?  It was about a guy that worked as a robot inventor, built a little girl robot, and had to keep her secret for some reason.  Wasn’t that his job?  Did it bother anyone else that she had to be the family’s maid?  That’s kind of fucked up, right?  Also I find it hard to believe that any normal guy that could make a lifelike robot wouldn’t make a sex robot, unless maybe he did. 

Dress up for daddy.

Favorite Video Games: Fallout 2 (PC) 1998

If you haven't seen the Road Warrior stop reading this right now and go do it.

If you’re a regular reader of this blog you’ve no doubt surmised that I love beer, sports, beer, and skinny girls with large breasts.  You’ve also probably noticed that I’m kind of a nerd.  One of my all time favorite nerdly pursuits is playing good ol’ fashioned Pen and Paper Role Playing Games.  Unfortunately I don’t get to play them as often as I’d like because I, ya’ know, have a life.

Livin' large and in charge.

Probably the best representation of a PnP RPG I’ve ever experienced was my favorite video game of all time: Fallout 2.  If I was doing a top ten list of my favorite video games, as was my original intention, this would be the end of my video game reviews.  But since I’m doing a series of blog posts I can kind of just do what I want because I’m the John McClane of bloggers.  I play by my own set of rules. 

Different game, also awesome.  I would appreciate it if from now on everyone imagined my blog was being read to them by Alan Rickman

Fallout 2 (PC) 1998

Muscle Beach is now Pork Chop Hill

Fallut 2 takes place in a post-apocalyptic future as imagined by America in the 1950’s (reel-to-reel computers, radiation zombies, and giant mutated insects.)  The setting was a radical departure from the wimpy Unicorn and Pegasus worlds of most RPG’s; especially at the time the game was released.  In other words: that Fallout 2 used to fuck guys like Final Fantasy in prison.  I loved it immediately.  Growing up in the shadow of the Cold War, I’ve always had a bit of an obsession with nuclear war.  Also, the Road Warrior is one of the single greatest movies of all time and any game in that tradition is alright by me.

Also, as I understand it all women will dress like this in the post-apocalypse

As good as everything that is even slightly associated with The Road Warrior is, I would say that it was even more important to me that Fallout 2 played much more like a PnP RPG than any other video game I’d ever played before.  At their best PnP RPG’s allow Sex Commando the Barbarian bi-cleave skeletons with his chainsaw/electric guitar.  Fallout 2 is a bit more structured than that, but not much.  You can do drugs, become a fluffer for a porn studio, or get married and pimp your wife in a seedy brothel (as if there’s a lot of non-seedy brothels.  It’s not like anyone walks in and says, “Oh, this seems nice.”)

It should be noted however that some brothels are much worse than others.

If my description makes Fallout 2 sounds kind of Gran Theft Auto-esque, it’s not.  Any actions you take have consequences.  If you do something that most people find off putting/morally reprehensible (killing a child, becoming a slaver) most NPC’s will thereafter refuse to talk to you.  If you want to go through the game indiscriminately blasting people with a laser mini-gun you can do it, but you might game-breakingly kill an NPC.  For what it’s worth I always play as a good character, because that’s how I see myself in real life: a little rough around the edges but basically a good guy; deadly but not aggressive.   A hero…  But what’s a hero?  I am, and so is my character Dixie Nourmous.      

R.I.P. Peter Steele

Dixie Nourmous is a beacon of hope for the people of the wastes; fortunately for the poor devils I discovered this game in college.  In college I would frequently be playing Fallout 2, look out my dorm window, see the sunrise, and say, “Oh shit, it happened again.”  It’s true that at the time I could stay up all night playing video games and drinking beer with almost no negative consequences, but it was the writing in Fallout 2 more than anything else that frequently put me in that situation.  The game had a great plot, interesting dialog, meaningful choices, and most importantly well rounded characters that I actually cared about.  Some have even gone so far as to call Fallout 2 the “Downton Abbey” of roleplaying games, and by some I mean me just now.  Actually the more I think about it Fallout 2 is more the “All Creatures Great and Small” of roleplaying games.

Don't pet the radscorpians Dixie Nourmous!

I could keep going, but fortunately for you dear reader, I edit my work.  Anyway I could write a book about Fallout 2, and I still don’t think I’d be any closer to capturing the experience of playing the game.  You really just have to play it yourself.  Of course if you’re anything like me playing with yourself isn’t something you skip out on very often.  Updating your blog with one hand isn't a skill, it's a gift.  Speaking of...

I've been waiting months to use this picture.

I know they re-released it a year or two ago, but if you need help playing Fallout 2 on a modern computer check the tech forum at No Mutants Allowed.

Stuck?  Check out Per Jorner's comprehensive walkthrough.