Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Keystone Light

When I hear the word “Keystone” the first thing that comes to mind is Keystone Kapers, one of my all time favorite games for the Atari.  Unfortunately, despite the game’s popularity and inherit awesomeness, it’s never really entered the pantheon of “classics” like Ms. Pac-Man or even Yar’s Revenge.  It’s also unfortunate that the second thing I think about when I hear the word “Keystone” is Keystone Light, a beer I can’t stand.  The third thing I think of is Pennsylvania, “the Keystone State,” but that seems kind of irrelevant to this article.

Speaking of 30 Rock, here's sexy Tina Fey

Keystone Light is sold in a 30 pack also known as a “30 stone” or “30 rock.” Last time I was at the grocery store I was caught in the unfortunate circumstance of being almost out of beer, with a looming deadline.  I saw an ad for Keystone Light and knew what I had to do.  It was kind of like when Mad Max had to kill that retard in Thunderdome.  I wasn’t happy with my situation, but if I didn’t purchase some Keystone Tina Turner would metaphorically kick me out of Barter Town.  If that metaphor doesn’t make sense, let’s just say it’s one less retard (shitty beer) I gotta worry about in the future.

Calling Keystone Light retarded sums up my feelings pretty well.  Lots of people have something they won’t drink anymore because of one time when they had a really bad experience.  I’ve never had that problem (see previous post) with anything I’ve ever drank; however I’ve had plenty of bad experiences with people that drink Keystone Light.  In college everyone drank cheap beer.  My friends and I tended to drink a lot of King Cobra and Miller High Life.  On the other side of the coin, idiot “Dude-bro’s” (guys that say dude and bro a lot) tended to drink a lot of Keystone Light.  To this day I can’t think of Keystone Light without thinking of douchebag sexual degenerates and rap metal.

This year Todd is going as a date rapist for Halloween

Admittedly, I'm being pretty prejudiced and a little unfair; however Keystone Light has done little to distance themselves from my stereotype.  Their official website looks like a ripoff of College Humor or Funny or Die.  I say this mostly because all of the material is pretty much taken directly from the aforementioned websites, and laid out very poorly.  Based on their website and facebook page it seems they are trying to appeal to college kids and “go viral.”  That’s not a problem I guess, except for one thing: Keith Stone.

Keith Stone is the mascot or spokesman or whatever for Keystone Light and I fucking hate him.  Just look at his guy:

Note the trucker hat, leather vest, stupid facial hair, vaguely retro t-shirt, and dumb expression.

In short, he looks like a fucking asshole.  He looks like a combination of a frat boy and a goddamn hillbilly.  I assume that’s look they’re going for; they want to appeal to retards in college while not alienating their hardcore redneck (Indiana) fanbase.  For this reason I have decided that he’s my new arch enemy, which is perfect timing: my old arch enemy, Brett Favre, having recently been defeated.  In case you’re wondering, Brett Favre was defeated when I found out that he had a really small penis.  No woman is going to want to have sex with you after you send her a picture of your tiny dong.  (I on the other hand can’t get enough pictures of tiny dicks, so next time you get out of the pool take a picture and hit me up!)

What a waste of precious cans!  Somewhere a homeless man is crying.

Keystone makes a big deal about how smooth their beer is, and I must confess it is “always smooth” like the can says.  It’s about as flavorless as it gets, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.  As I pointed out with Buck Range Light: it’s better that a beer taste like water than a hot turd.  In fact, Keystone Light tastes pretty similar to Buck Range Light, or I guess Buck Range Light tastes like Keystone.  After all, Keystone came out a decade earlier and certainly outsells Buck Range Light, but I reviewed Buck Range first so go fuck yourself.

I guess I’m trying to say that once you get past the retarded frat boy douche-baggery it’s not that bad.  All in all it hasn’t been too bad of an experience this time around.  I made a new arch nemesis, and I got to drink beer and play Keystone Kapers.  I do have to pee a lot though.  Keystone is only 4.2% alcohol, so I’ve been slamming them all night.  I guess that’s just one of the downsides to Keystone Light, the other notable downside being that people in my community saw me purchase Keystone Light.  I bet they’re going to put me on some sort of sexual predator list.  Oh well, it’s not the first time and it certainly won’t be the last.  Anyone know how much an ice-cream truck costs?

Looks like the Danmeister was within 300 feet of a school again.

Pizza Delivery Adventures: The Trailer Park

When I delivered pizza, most of the deliveries were in beautiful Alsip Illinois or the surrounding suburbs.  As you can imagine, one of the main challenges when delivering pizza was finding the place you’re supposed to be delivering to.  Fortunately, I grew up in Alsip and knew the area like I know the top of my penis, er…the back of my hand, with some minor exceptions, most notably the trailer park. 

An excuse to post Daisy Duke

I knew exactly where the trailer park was, but since I don’t smoke meth I’d never had reason to venture down its labyrinthine streets.  Now I’ve watched my share of The Dukes of Hazzard, and the first time I delivered to the trailer park I surprise by the lack of conveniently placed ramps, jumps and bales of hay.  I also got really fucking lost.  There were no streetlights and every street was “one way only” with a 10mph speed limit.  How was the General Lee (my 1998 Mercury Mystique) supposed to get around in that sort of shit?  It didn’t help matters any that the trailers’ addresses were seemingly passed out at random, like some sort of hillbilly Sudoku.  Remember how Indiana Jones had to use a model city and a staff to find the Ark of the Covenant?  Well it was pretty much like that every time I went there.

I spent hours playing this simulation and still got lost

"Git off my land!"

Most of the people that lived in the trailer park were very nice people.  As for the rest, well there’s a reason you always see trailer parks on Cops.  One of our more frequent customers always reeked of pot.  That in and of itself wasn’t that big a deal.  It may surprise you, but lots of people order pizza when they’re baked off their ass.  The problem is that this guy thought he had to hide it, like I give a shit.  He’d make me sit outside in the dark for fifteen minutes, so he could Febreeze the place.  All the while, a bunch of goddamn junkyard Rottweilers barked their asses off and growled at me.  (What’s with poor people and mean ugly dogs?)

With me so far?  OK, now imagine you’re watching the hottest porno you’ve ever seen, but when the camera finally shows the girls face; she looks exactly like your sister.  Well this article is that porno.  Ugh…What I’m trying to say is that it’s easy to laugh about hillbillies, but this kind of behavior wasn’t just restricted to trailer parks.  Lots of people, just like you, would leave me stranded on the porch while they hid their weed, collected money from their deadbeat friends, or kicked their mean dog in the balls.  If that sounds like you and you laughed at that pothead guy in the trailer park you probably feel exactly like Luke Skywalker did in that cave on Dagobah.  You cut off Darth Vader’s head and you saw your own face. (I guess that’s probably a better metaphor but I’m already committed to the weird porno joke.)

I assume you look exactly like Mark Hamil

Fear not, the problem is easily solved.  When you order a pizza stop masturbating for five minutes and get your shit together.  If you have a coupon or want to pay with a credit card, let them know over the phone when placing the order.   It’ll make the whole transaction go smoother and you can get right back to masturbating.   When you place your order it’s also a good idea to let them know any special directions that will make your house easier to find, and turn your goddamn porch light on.  If you’re Jewish, you might want to put some lamb’s blood over your door.  It might not make your house much easier to find, but it will prevent the Angel of Death from murdering your first born.

The Angel of Death is also the Angel of Slutty Halloween Costumes

I think those are some helpful hints and I covered everything I was going to say about the trailer park, with one major exception.  I was trying really hard this whole blog post to work in a reference to Leatherface and it just didn’t work.  I don’t know what the problem was; this article is already random as hell.  It’s not like it would have ruined my “artistic vision.” I guess saying his name in this conclusion kind of shoehorns him in, but it feels kinda forced to me.  Oh well, in the words of George W. Bush, “mission accomplished!”  Until next time, remember to tip your pizza guy.

Dance like no one is watching