Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Labatt Blue

 I love hockey and since it’s playoff time I thought I’d celebrate this occasion the way I celebrate everything: by drinking.  Of course I don’t need much of a reason to drink.  Honestly, I have a tough time coming up with reasons not to drink, but I thought a review of Canada’s own Labatt Blue would be a fitting tribute.  When I think of hockey I think of Canada, and when I think of Canada I think of idiots getting drunk in the woods on Labatt Blue. 

Idiots like Zap Rowsdower

Canada is an interesting country (not really.)  It’s a lot like regular America, but a foreign monarch is still legally the head of state.  I’ve been there a few times, and it’s honestly a pretty nice place despite the fact that their football field is 10 yards too long and they were gowns in court.  In genre fiction the frigid Nørthlaënds are typically the domain of half-human barbarians, but in reality Canada is just full of dudes in flannel shirts, like a less hip version of Seattle.  Canadians might be half-human, but they’re more like Cylons; they seem completely normal until it’s too late. Then they’re all like, “Hey Broomhead, how’s aboot a Tim Horton donut, ‘eh?”   In point of fact, people as normal seeming as Sarah Chalke, Todd Macfarlane, Cobie Smulders, Shenae Grimes, Dave Foley, Bronko Nagurski, Mike Myers, Leslie Nielsen, Peter Jennings, Michael Ironside, William Shatner, and Dan Akroyd hail from the Great White North.

Tricia Helfer:  Canadian/Cylon

Old time hockey

As I alluded to in the introduction, the most popular sport in Canada is ice hockey, which is understandable. Hockey combines the grace and majesty of figure skating with people beating the shit out of each other.  Even when there aren’t any fights everyone is knocking each other over all the time.  When you consider the fact that every player is holding a giant stick it’s actually kind of amazing that it only comes to fisticuffs.  If Ihave one criticism of the game, it would have to be the stupid nicknames.  They just add a “Y” sound or an “-er” to the end of your surname, so if Night Train Lane played hockey he’d be “Laner” and Christian Okoye would be “Okie” instead of the mother fucking Nigerian Nightmare.  For their sake maybe it’s a good thing black people don’t play hockey.

Don't bother him he's trying to listen to the fucking song

Labatt opened their doors in 1847, survived Canadian prohibition, and now they’re owned by Anheuser-Busch InBev.  Of more important historical significance, at least on this blog, is the fact that LaBatt launched the career of Pamela Anderson.  You’re not a “real 90’s kid” unless you pounded one out to Pamela Anderson Lee.  According to gawker and half the shit I see on facebook being a “real 90’s kid” is something very important which I had previously taken for granted; however I would conject  (and I think most psychologists would agree) that what you beat off to says way more about you and the social norms of the time and place you grew up in than whether or not you’ve seen the commercial for Crossfire.  Pamela Anderson isn’t even really my type but at the time I came of age her tits were prominently displayed on basic cable and every other magazine cover.
 

Labatt actually ended up buying 1000 copies of this unofficial poster to meet consumer demand.

Beerwise, Labatt is 5%ABV.  Fucking choice.  It’s a little better than most domestics, but be warned the whole bullshit fucking metric lamewad fucking system conversion means you only get 11.2 fl.oz. in a bottle, so you might want to stick to the 12 oz. cans.  As far as flavor goes it’s easy to see why Labatt is the number one beer in Canada.  It’s got a lot of flavor; crisp with a slight hint of beer flavored bitterness.  A welcome change from the sweet, sour, or just plain watery variety I often end up drinking.  In the interest of journalistic integrity I’ve actually taken upon myself to drink a few cases of the stuff over the last few weeks.  It’s great.  I can’t recommend it enough.

I'm not sure how to convert metric to regular, but either way I think they're big

I think I’m going to celebrate the end of this review by watching a little playoff hockey, and drinking an ice-cold Labatt blue.  While Canada might not be as good as the U.S. at fighting wars or keeping French separatists in line they do know how to make a tasty brew.  Go Blackhawks.

You can't let yourself get pushed around by a guy like this

Renovating Wrigley

I am a diehard White Sox fan.  And as such I don’t really have a dog in this race.  Sure I watch a dozen or so Cubs games a year, but 6 of them are when they play my beloved White Sox and the rest happen inadvertently when I go to the bar.  The Cubs could play in Schaumburg IL or Sydney Australia and it would affect me about the same.

Me not caring about the Cubs

 So now Tom Ricketts wants government money to rehab Wrigley?  This shouldn’t surprise anyone.  It’s now standard practice for teams to bend the tax payers over a barrel and threaten to move unless they get a rehab.  As Ricketts himself pointed out the Bears and the Sox both got theirs, so why not the Cubs?  Well unfortunately for him he’s missing the first half or that statement: they threatened to move.  The Bears talked about going to Hoffman Estates and Gary IN among other places.  The Sox WERE going to St. Petersburg.  And as many have already pointed out the Cubs couldn’t move across the street if they wanted to.  They’re tied to that neighborhood.  It’s a landmark remember?  Tourists aren’t going to go to Schaumburg, and there’s no bars worth a damn that far west (unless you count Medieval Times, which I do.)

Cool guys drinking some cool beers

 That’s not to say that threats to move are a good thing.  As a fan it makes you feel like a chump.  Being a fan is a reciprocal relationship.  I get drunk, cheer and spend money on my team and all I expect them to do is act like they give a shit that we’re out in the stands.  In the late 80s the votes were in and counted and the Sox were going to Florida.  My whole family would’ve become Brewers fans.  Seriously, fucking Brewers fans.  Do you have any idea how much that would’ve sucked?  It all shaked out okay in the end, but I take it kind of personally.  I’d still be pissed but Reinsdorf brought 7 Championships to this town (8 if you count that he’s a part owner of the Blackhawks.)

“I think it's a crime for our elected officials to borrow money today, to spend money today and push the repayment of that loan out into the future on people…”  Good point.  I couldn’t have said it better myself.  We’re in the worst recession of my lifetime and Illinois is bankrupt.  Joe Ricketts, the head of the Ricketts clan is the genius behind the Ricketts’ fortune and the genius behind the quotation.  I don’t beguile the family too much for their hypocrisy, after all this is America.  We want to have our cake and eat it too.  I’ve said lots of things about free speech in my life, but I think most people need to shut the fuck up. 

Can't have it and eat it too, the cake is a lie

  What I do take issue with is the smugness of this prick.  The Cubs sucked last year.  Wire to wire they were a shitty team, from crazy Carlos Zambrano’s opening day meltdown to the “who gives a shit” period at the end of the year, they sucked.  And all through this Ricketts said he wasn’t talking to the media or spending money.  Now that this guy wants my money he’s on Chicago Tonight and anywhere else he can get a little face time. 

But the real fuck you is his bullshit plan to raise money.  It basically breaks down like this:  The Cubs will borrow money from the state and then they’ll pay the state back with the taxes they were already going to pay.  Don’t suck my finger and call it a dick.  I’m a few credits shy of my econ degree, but there’s a little thing called opportunity cost.  That means if I spend all my money on beer I won’t have money to by food.  Big deal right? Ramen is cheap.  But on a state level if we take the money we’re going to use to pay teachers and use it to add a shopping mall to a ballpark we can’t just get drunk and halfass our way through econ.

All this is after they raise ticket prices. Say what you want about Reisndorf, but I’d rather fall ass first into a dildo factory than have Tom Ricketts as my team’s owner. If I was a Cub fan I’d be pissed, I guess I am anyway.  It won’t affect me that much; I just don’t like all the bullshit.  At least he said he’ll use union labor.