Jean-Claude Van Damme: ( is not in) PREDATOR (1987)

FUCK YES

I know we’re all super excited to get to Bloodsport, but I thought it was worth a mention that chronologically sandwiched in between No Retreat, No Surrender (1986) and Bloodsport (1988) Van Damme was originally slated to bring the agility and martial prowess he displayed in films like Breakin’ to the titular role in one of the greatest action movies of all time, Predator (1987). 

A sexual tyrannosaurus, NOT a sexual predator

As to why Van Damme does not appear as the final film, it depends on who you ask.  The director claims that Jean-Claude quit after two days because he did not feel that an uncredited  Special Effects part was worthy of an actor of his stature.  (perhaps he was riding high on the wave of adulation he garnered in No Retreat, No Surrender?)  Van Damme claims that he refused to do a stunt that was too dangerous, while Jesse “The Body” Ventura claims that Van Damme was fired after injuring another stuntman on purpose.  Of course every one of those people has a motive to fudge the truth, except for Jesse Ventura, he’s just old fashioned fucking insane. The most likely explanation I’ve heard is that Van Damme quit because it was balls hot wearing a full body rubber suit in the goddamned jungle, and if you’ve ever seen the original Predator costume you’d have quit too.  It involved walking on stilts, it had no visible eye-holes, no cool mandibles, and it looked fucking stupid.

 

Fucking lame

If Jean-Claude had retained the role of nature’s most perfect t killing machine (from space) it’s highly likely that he never would have had the time to make Bloodsport.  One could speculate that with no starring roles and a marquee stunt job to his credit Van Damme may have simply moved into the respectable, if not glamorous, world of fight choreography and stunt coordination.  Personally, I’d rather speculate about what it would have been like if Jean-Claude had a speaking part in Predator.

 

On set; presumably saying something

"Kwock & Froll!"

It’s hard to imagine improving on perfection, but if anyone could do it Jean-Claude could.  He certainly could not have replaced Carl Weathers or any of the other perfectly casted actors, but I can definitely picture him saying something like “der iz a praydaytorr in dis Jun-Gall!” and then getting skinned alive or blown up by lasers or whatever.  You couple that with a line like, “guh-ood jhoke Haw-kinns” (sarcasm), and I think you have the makings of a role that would add a little Jean-Claude magic to a movie without detracting from the plot in anyway.  If that doesn’t completely convince you, imagine this: what if the Predator killed one more dude?  Like it would be the exact same movie but Predator kills one more person than he did originally, and that person just happens to be Jean-Claude Van Damme.  I think even the harshest Van Damme critic would have to agree that it would be pretty cool to see Van Damme get killed by the Predator.

 

Van Damme?

The Van Damme in Predator thing is one of history’s great what-ifs, right up there with Lee’s Lost Orders, Operation Sea Lion, and the Battle of Hastings.  Although it’s a fun to ponder what might have been, we must stand back from the precipice, lest we slide down the slippery slope of speculative fiction.  Before you know it we could be having a serious discussion about a hypothetical army of Jean-Claude Van Damme clones overrunning the Imperial base on the forest moon of Endor, and that’s not something I want to do so let’s get back to the movies that actually star Jean-Claude Van Damme

Alternative history dorks think we'd all be flying dirigibles if it wasn't for the Hindenberg. Riiiight...

Next time: Probably a beer review and then Bloodsport. 

Ogre drinking a beer in Bloodsport.  It took awhile to find an image that worked for both.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Top 10 Part I

Prepare to fucking die!

When I grew up, the biggest movie star in the world was Arnold Schwarzenegger.  How big?  So big spellcheck knows how to spell his last name, which is good because I sure as shit don’t.  Recently, Arnie has been in the news for having sex with a really really weird looking woman.  Gross, I know, but it’s times like this I think it’s important to remember why we liked Schwarzenegger so much in the first place.  To that end I’ve put together a list of the top ten Schwarzenegger movies of all time, which puts them high in the running for the top ten movies of all time.

10. Commando

Alyssa Milano plays his daughter

Compared to the other movies on this list Commando isn’t that good, but it deserves a place on the list if only because it’s such a prototypical 80’s action movie.  It’s the kind of movie where they have a shootout in a mall just because it increases potential for violence exponentially.  One of my favorite parts is right in the beginning when you see Arnold carrying a tree.  Seriously, a fucking tree. Right away you can tell he’s stronger than any human ever.  In general the plot is just okay, but my biggest gripe with this movie is the arch villain: a chubby Australian in a chainmail shirt. I mean, what the fuck?  Are we supposed to believe he’d be any match for a man we earlier saw carrying a tree?  And why is he wearing a chainmail shirt?  Was he worried about crossbows or did his mom just drive him home from the Ren-faire?  The world may never know.

"I'm here for the gay po- I mean action movie."

9. Eraser

Vanessa Williams

This was the last good Schwarzenegger movie, and as such it deserves a special place on the list.  After this one Arnie started crapping out turd salads like Collateral Damage and Teminator 3.  This one has Vanessa “not the porn star” Williams as a black chick that needs to be Erased after she finds out something about guns that see through walls.  I rented this when it came out, and probably watched it 6 times within the span of my rental.  In retrospect, I guess I wasn’t as popular in Junior High as I remember.  Eraser was made in what I call the CGI dead zone: after studios abandoned conventional effects but before CGI stopped looking like absolute shit.  Most of the effects in Eraser hold up pretty well, but the scene with the crocodiles is laughably stupid looking and comes off about as real as the alligator dance scene in Fantasia.  Still, sweet movie and James Caan is the bad guy.

"You call that a Crocodile? This is a crocodile."

8.  Conan the Destroyer        

"Holy Diver you've been down too long in the midnight sea..."

Ronnie James Dio did not do the soundtrack to this movie, which is unfortunate.  Every scene from this movie looks like it should be painted on the side of a conversion van.  Unfortunately this movie is also rated PG.  Conan is all about decapitating people and having sex with women (not necessarily in that order,) and the absence of those two things is a little sad.  Another major problem with the movie is Conan’s sidekick Malak.  Like all comic relief in a movie aimed at 12 year-olds, he’s fucking stupid and annoying and no one thinks he’s funny.  He Scrappy-Doos the shit out of this movie.  All that being said, this movie is still heavy metal as shit, boner-ific and fun that the whole family can enjoy.

I looked up the female lead for Conan, and a picture of Olivia Munn kissing another girl came up.  I don't think the blond is the same chick from the movie, but I no longer give a flying fuck.

7.  The Running Man  

Clap if you love Dynamo

Probably the most underrated Schwarzenegger movie on this list.  It’s tempting to put this movie higher on the list to compensate for that fact, but I happen to take my lists very seriously.  Anyway, I hate it when people like the AFI try to educate you and declare “Some Like it Hot” the funniest movie of all time on a list that doesn’t even mention Porky’s.  In The Running Man, Arnold is accused of a crime he didn’t commit, and is forced to fight for his life on a game show.  If that doesn’t get your juices flowing (if you know what I mean, ladies) you should know that the game show consists of Richard Dawson and boss fights.  Arnold is helped by a nerd, a black guy, and a hot chick as he kills a bunch of dudes as gruesomely as possible.  It’s even better than it sounds, and thinking about it now I’m tempted to jump it higher on the list.  There’s only one thing holding me back…

6. Predator

"They took the whole Cherokee Nation..."

I would be remiss if I didn’t give Predator at least the 6 spot.  As it stands, I know I’m going to chap a few saddles putting it this far down the list, but it’s my list an if you don’t like it you can make your own list…I guess.  In this movie Arnold teams up with a bunch of stereotypes which includes Jesse Ventura, an Injun, Carl Weathers, and the funniest man in the world who tells the funniest jokes in the history of comedy.   They travel to some godforsaken shit-hole in South America to fight an invisible alien that skins people alive.  The plot is simple, direct, and full of steroids.  You can practically feel you tits getting bigger when you watch this movie.  Your penis would also shrink from the steroids but I guarantee you will have a boner throughout your entire viewing experience.  Everything about this movie is awesome.  I have never met anyone that didn’t like this movie, but if I ever did I would kill them without even thinking about it, because fuck those people.

Part II coming soon…   If you have questions or comments about the list so far leave a comment or hit me up on facebook.