Bottomshelf Beer Reviews: Shoenling's Little Kings

Remember that song Two Princes by the Spin Doctors?  I ask you this, what are Princes, if not Little Kings?  Does Shoenling’s Little Kings beer have anything to do with the goddamned Spin Doctors?  Probably not, it was just the first ham fisted introduction that came to mind.  But what is this Shoenlings Little Kings I speak of?  More importantly is it any good, or does it suck (like a certain lame-as early 90’s alterna-pop band?) 

 

Nice hat bro

I first discovered Little Kings a couple years ago.  At the time, most information I found online erroneously reported that the beer had been discontinued and the beer’s official website redirected to their facebook page.  Not a good sign.  They now have a bonafide website, and optimistically promise that Little Kings is growing to a nationwide distribution level.  I don’t know how close they are to national distribution, but it warms my heart to see a Cincinnati beer from 1958 trying to expand, at a time when all time greats like Schlitz and Hamm’s are on life support.

As to why it took me so long to review it: I couldn’t keep it in my fridge.  Although national distribution may be coming soon, I discovered Little Kings at a liquor store about 30 miles from my house.  The first time I bought I grabbed it on a whim with the intention of reviewing it, but drank it all before I got the chance. Next time I was over there I bought like 42 7oz bottles, which it turns out isn’t enough to stay in my fridge for very long.  So I bought even more last time I was in Aurora, and I’m finally getting around to it now.

 

Sadly, Aurora IL does not have a Stan Mikita's Donuts.  It just kinda blows.

I love the tiny bottles.  I tend to drink until I fall asleep (healthy I know.)  Sometimes I think I want another beer, but start to get sleepy about half way through.  With a 7oz bottle half the beer is pretty much the whole thing.  Plus you can do that cool trick from the Warriors.  The bottles also make me feel gigantic in my admittedly tiny hands.  They would be a handy prop if your sexting girls pics of your dong, in the same way a quarter is a handy prop if selling a novelty Chia Pet on ebay, except of course the quarter would (secretly) be half size, giving the Chia Pet a cyclopean pussy-destroying appearance.

If it wasn’t clear in the last paragraph I really like this stuff.  It’s sweet, like Mickey’s sweet, with caramel notes, and it’s highly highly carbonated.  It’s kind of like beer flavored pop, with a healthy 5.5% ABV to get the job done.  The little 7oz bottles add to the “pop” aesthetic, and seem to improve the flavor psychologically. For whatever reason smaller portions seem to taste better. This is true with both the tiny corners on a Chicago cut thin crust pizza and with Shoenling’s Little Kings.  The smaller portions also ensure you never get bored with it.  I try so cop a similar philosophy with this blog: even if it’s not great at least it’s quick.  Whether you enjoy Little Kings, or this beer review they’re both over in about 5 minutes.

I can’t recommend Schoenling’s Little Kings enough.  It tastes good, especially in the groovy tiny bottles. If nothing else it’s a nice novelty “change of pace” beer for the seasoned drinker.  We live in a country that bought over five million copies of Pocket Full of Kryptonite, do your part and buy something better than that.      

Looks like Super Girl got kyrptonited.  Kind of conveniet that there were gym mats on hand.