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| Elegant in its simplicity |
If your life’s anything like mine you get inundated
with text messages and social media notifications when Costco puts out their
very own rock-bottomed Light Beer. Even
if that rings a bell, your life is probably still pretty different from mine
because your dick is way tinier.
Regardless of where you stand, people tend to think of me as both well
penised, and the kind of guy that would be excited to hear his favorite
warehouse store is now selling nearly 50 beers for less than $25. And boy was I excited, my pussy dripped with
anticipation.
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| I was like a goddamned slip-n-slide down there |
Mixed metaphors aside Costco is pretty groovy
place: high quality products at reasonable prices. The money I save on dogfood alone more than
covers the cost of membership. And their
booze is outstanding. I may be a celebrationist of cheap beer, but I can’t
abide crappy booze. Hamm’s and Dogfish
Head both have their place, but shitty vodka’s place is in the toilet (it makes
me throw up.) Costco’s vodka costs about
the same as the Vodka brand vodka in the plastic bottle at the Pic ’n’ Save,
but it’s very very good. Almost
flavorless good (the hallmark of any high quality vodka is its ability to not
taste like anything.)
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| Never worth it. |
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| Free Snake |
The Costco brand beer selection on the other hand
had always been a little lackluster. They
used to have kind of subquality premium beers at a reasonable, but not
outstanding price. If I’m paying a
little extra I like to get something exceptional, like a free snake or
whatever. As I alluded to in the
introduction Kirkland Light is on the opposite end of the spectrum, and it
couldn’t come sooner. Time was you could
get a 30-pack of PBR or Stroh’s for $10, or even get a case of Schlitz (the
best beer) for $7.50, but the times they are a-changin’. 40-something cents a beer is a solid price
regardless of quality.
The can art and box design give the Repo-Man-esque
impression that Light Beer is Light Beer brand Light Beer, but the technically
the full name is Kirkland Signatre Light Beer.
Those in the know are no doubt aware that Kirkland Signature is Costco’s
in-house brand of pretty much everything.
As to who actually brews the beer, the can credits Regal Brau Brewing. I did a little research and discovered the
beer is brewed under license by different brewers in different parts of the
country. Regal Brau is the Midwest moniker for Minhas Brewery (the folks behind
the utterly disgusting Boxer Lager.) On
the West Coast Light Beer is brewed be Gordon Biersch under the nom de plume
“Hopfen und Malz,” whereas the East Coast gets the Matt Brewing company’s AKA
“New Yorker Brewery Co.’s” pseudonominous version of the beer. I can’t attest to whether the quality of this
beer varies from region to region, but I can unequivocally say that the version
I had was skulls (skulls being the newest synonym for “cool” in the modern
parlance.)
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| Skulls are dark & mysterious, badass & spooky. That's why all the kids are saying "skulls." |
Fortunately Kirkland Light is totally skulls. Its light flavored as the name would imply,
but not watery. The flavor has a bit of
applesque sweetness and some of the graininess you can typically expect with
American macrobrews. If I had to pick
I’d say it’s more St. Louis than Milwaukee, at least as far as the two majors
go. It’s good. For a light beer Light Beer packs a lot of
flavor, pleasant flavor. It only has 105
calories, so it won’t make you very fat; unless you drink a bunch of them,
which is the beer’s one drawback. At a paltry 4.2% ABV you might have to drink a
bunch of Light Beers to have a good time.
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| Fortunately a lot of beers is kind of the point |
Two cases of beer for the price of a case and a
half of Miller Lite is a good deal in this life or any other. Light Beer may not have the catchiest name in
the world, but what it lacks in even the most mediocre attempts at creative
marketing it makes up for in taste and utterly Spartan cheapness. I think most people that can stomach a light
beer will enjoy the aptly titled Light Beer, and i can say with a healthy
degree of certainty that if you even kind of enjoy ramen noodles you will
definitely not be disappointed. Light
Beer is just one more reason to shop at Costco.
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| Ramen Noodles and boobies; FUCKING FINALLY! |
